Stumbling Impatiently Along

To my daughter

2011-12-10T07:24:00.001-08:00

        Almost six months ago, my sweet little boy was born. It has been a wonderful few months getting to know him and recent events in my life made me hold close to the simple moments with this baby. Not that I did not with my other children, but my perspective was colored a bit and things that would have seemed overwhelming became a blessing I was grateful to have. As we begin to find our rhythm as a family with our newest addition, I am still struggling to lose the last few pounds I gained during pregnancy. I realize that it is only 5 pounds, but those 5 pounds mock me on the scale whenever I am brave enough to climb up there. There is a terror I feel about those 5 pounds and they have gotten me thinking lately.

       From my teen years on, I have struggled with my weight and my body image. I remember vividly comments said to me at no more than 10 or so years old that I had better be careful because I would have a tendency to gain weight in my rear end. To this day, every time I look in a mirror or try on clothing, that is the part of my body I am most aware of and uncomfortable with. As a young girl, I cried not knowing how to deal with a body I didn't understand. I was the awkward little sister with braces and glasses, desperately following my older, beautiful sister around wanting to just be noticed. I was told that my sister got the good looks. I was told my thighs were thick, my chest was flat and my nose was big. I have starved myself, literally, to the point where my body wasn't able to function the way it was made to. I was bulimic for years, which has caused me problems I didn't even think about back then. I have always felt like I am surrounded by beautiful people and easily fade into the backdrop. I wasn't exactly the most sought after young lady in my college days. College was in fact quite a lonely experience, which I attributed to my physical appearance not being striking enough to catch someone's attention. These days, as a mother for 5 years and wife for 10, I feel like I have finally learned how to "handle" my insecurities about weight. I cannot, do not, will not go on a diet. I was on a diet as young as 12 and the only purpose that served was to frustrate and humiliate me. My solution, after wading through all the wrong ones, was exercise and enjoying food. I got there too, where I felt like my body was in good shape, even though I was still uncomfortable with my "rear end". So now, I sit with 5 extra pounds that is holding on stubbornly, and I am hoping that is simply because I am still nursing and that once we are finished with that those few pounds will go away. But part of me starts to panic just a little bit, scared silly that I won't be able to get them to go away.

       I write this for my daughter. She is so beautiful and happy and innocent. I watch her playing right now around my feet and I want so desperately to spare her all that I walked through. I have tried so hard to eliminate the talk of losing weight, dieting or not liking the way I look for her sake. I have tried to instill in her the understanding that exercise is an enjoyable way to care for the body God gave us, and that food is meant to be enjoyed not feared. My prayer is that as her mother I can teach her to have a healthy relationship with food. One that doesn't set her up for a lifetime of fearing every bite she takes. I want to share with her my struggles through this, the things in my life that I can point to as triggers for the choices I made. It is my desperate hope that she will always see me trying to take care of my body, not lose weight, and that she will remember her time with me as one filled with good food! My dearest little girl, if I never am able to get back to where I was before your brother was born, I will consider those 5 pounds a reminder that your brother was, thank God, born healthy and strong. There are things more important in this world than the way we look. People will say some nasty things to you, and for the most part I don't think they mean them to be cruel. They just don't think about how their words could burrow into a little girl's heart and fester there. I pray I can be a comfort and strength to you as you grow and begin to face things you may not understand. I hope a boy never breaks your heart so desperately that you think you weren't thin enough to keep his attention. No matter what, no matter whether you fit the current standard of beauty or are the polar opposite, I pray that I am always able to direct your eyes inward to your soul. To remind you that God gave you the greatest gift, and that the body surrounding it was designed to honor Him. I grew up not understanding that, not seeing my body as the vessel of my soul and not realizing that we are intended to discipline these bodies on our way to salvation. Bow your neck in prayer,use your hands to light a candle and cross yourself, prostrate yourself before the cross, fast when the church calls you to and feast when it calls you to! Learn with me the lesson I am only just beginning to understand, that this body serves a temporary purpose in its imperfect state.

It's just a loose tooth....or is it?

2011-10-11T20:58:00.001-07:00

There is a certain dignity in the simplistic. A quiet serenity to a life that lends itself to quiet moments forming memories. Most of my life I have allowed those beautiful opportunities to slip by me because I have a strong tendency to focus on my "to-do" list. The result is a beautifully spotless home, clean children and laundry(except for ironing, Lord have mercy how I hate ironing. There are ironing boards set aside in hell for the worst of the worst to spend eternity ironing all the laundry that was left when Jesus returns.),homemade meals that aren't too shabby and me....tired, spent and just frazzled. 3 months ago my youngest was born, and he is sweetly trying to teach his mother something she hasn't learned in 33 years: to take a deep breath and hold my family close, to calm down about the order of things and recognize that six months from now a brand new load of laundry will be waiting for me, but my children will all have changed in that short period of time.

To many of those around us, my family already leads a slow and uncomplicated life, but it has just seemed to me that all too quickly moments are filled up with things that are not important in the long term. A thought has been running through my head for the last few days, influenced heavily by the political/economic upheaval surrounding us and the fact that my children are growing up - Hold tight to your children. The foundation I and my husband lay during these formative years of theirs will greatly influence how they make decisions when they are on their own. Life is complicated and I believe with all my heart that the family has been under attack since the beginning of time. Children are pawns in anyone's game when they lose their footing in family. When my daughter came to me a few days ago with her very first loose tooth, I panicked a little. I do not exaggerate to say that it shocked me to realize she was at that point of development already. It made me look at how I am parenting my children and question myself as to whether I was using the short time I have with them wisely. I came to the conclusion that I have not been. Many days I find myself thinking how I just wish I could have a few minutes of quiet to myself, wish I could sleep in just one day, why can't I do this or that without the time consuming loading in and out of the car of three children. The list of my selfish thoughts goes on, and I am ashamed to say I have spent much of my experience as a parent looking forward to the hour or so I have to myself once my children are in bed for the night. Anyway, I believe there are forces, both spiritual and corporal, who are looking for any opportunity to snatch my children away in any way possible. I look at their sweet, innocent faces and I know my job is to protect them, to strengthen them, to love them and then one day let them go. Hold tight to your children. Now is the time I have to spend with them, being their mother because that is where God wants me to be. Not half way there, not there hoping for the end of the day so I can rest, but fully there at every moment as their mother. Hold tight to your children, purposefully loving and growing them without a divided spirit. And so, I pray for wisdom to choose wisely in the coming years, to sift through the things we should involve ourselves in and those which are simply too much. Hold tight to your children.

Through the Veil

2011-08-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

Have you ever watched a newborn baby as they stare intently at something just beyond your reach? They seem to be truly watching something, at times smiling at whatever it is they see that we cannot. Some will scoff and say it is just a baby watching the light catch on an object, or shadows dancing or perhaps nothing at all. I know that is not true, and I believe with all my soul they see the angels and saints surrounding us. They possess a beautiful innocence that allows them to see things we jaded adults simply cannot. I love to watch Peter's eyes dance as he interacts with the angels. More than once in these last few weeks of getting to know him, I have realized it is not just the angels he is watching. My priest told me when my son Elias died, that the church sees these precious babies as saints. There is no doubt in my mind that he has at some point been the source of Peter's enchanting smiles. And more than once the emotion has overwhelmed me to know that while holding Peter, Elias is so close. It is as close as I can get to him, this side of the veil. Peter grants me, vicariously, a glimpse through his eyes through the veil.

Just yesterday, my newborn son and I joyfully returned to the church. Through the fog of caring for a newborn, while also trying to stabilize all the other facets of my life, I have found in my soul an aching to once again be a part of the life of the church. It is so strange to know we have journeyed through the Dormition fast, but I have been unable to participate fully. I have watched from afar as my children loaded up in the car with their Dad to head to church and wished I was going with them.

These first few weeks of my little boy's life outside of the womb have been a roller coaster of emotion. Love that makes your heart hurt, and at the same time sorrow that breaks your core in two. I look into the eyes of my son and see so many thoughts. As I stood in my church yesterday and watched my priest carry my son behind the altar, my mind raced trying to grapple with so many thoughts. Holding Peter, handing him over to Father, being so acutely aware of missing out on that moment with Elias. My joy upon bringing my new baby to church with me was so intricately intwined with thoughts of Elias. Watching Peter behind the altar, I found myself fighting back tears. I desperately did not want to be crying there in front of my entire church. I do not cry as much these days, but I know once those kinds of tears start they are so difficult to stop. As Father brought Peter back to me, he smiled and said he had wanted to keep Peter back there because Peter was smiling the whole time he was there. I know that veil which separates me from Elias was lifted once again for Peter, and my heart knows that as I was trying to hold back tears for my lost baby, he was greeting his brother right in front of me. I just couldn't see it.

Our son!

2011-06-27T15:19:00.001-07:00

Our little family has finally been introduced to our newest member! Peter Elisha was born yesterday morning, one day before his scheduled c-section, and we are so excited to get to know him. I feel compelled to offer a brief and simple explanation for why we have chosen his name, so here goes.

Peter, for several reasons. He was born so very close to the feast of Saints Peter and Paul and I want so much to offer him a life in the church starting from his name. My daughter for some reason loves the name...I think it's because of King Peter from the Narnia books and that's okay by me! Also, I find the name to be a strong name for a little man to grow into.

Elisha has a little more sentimental attachment for me, and as I type this from my hospital bed I am reminded of where I was this time last year. I was pregnant with another little boy, who would soon be leaving us although I did not know that at the time. We lost our son on July 20th, 2010 and through a painful process and many tears we chose to name his Elias after the prophet commemorated on that same day. As I searched for names for Peter Elisha, I began flipping through my daily devotional book which lists the saints commemorated by the church each day. I came to June 14th and the reading was about the Prophet Elisha, who upon witnessing the fiery ascension into heaven of the Prophet Elias, took up his mantel and carried on. Not taking his place, but continuing his work after he was gone. It touched my heart so deeply, that I instantly wrapped myself around that name for this little boy. Not to burden him with the responsibility of Mommy's broken heart, but to always let him know that I see him as God's gift to a Mommy who needed a special little boy to continue on where his big brother no longer could.

Happy birthday Peter Elisha! We are so in love with you already and so grateful to be entrusted with your care. We know you have a big brother in heaven praying for you, and us, as we watch our family expand even while it is missing a little piece.

What a day

2011-06-09T12:40:00.001-07:00

Feeling ever so sentimental today. Could be all the pregnancy hormones, or it just could be the awesome importance of this day in my family's makeup.

10 years ago today, a very young version of my husband(he was just 20) and a far more immature version of myself were married. At the time, we didn't have the sense to really be scared of the commitment we were making because I don't think you really know what marriage is going to be like until you are there. We had people who were supportive, and we had people who told us to our faces we shouldn't get married. I am so thankful we followed where God was leading us, so grateful to have been blessed with a partner who loves me simply for who I am. In all the years I have been married to this man, he has never tried to change or improve me, never picked apart at who I am or tried to make me over into something I am not. Given my ever fluctuating level of confidence, it is a blessing I didn't see coming to know he just loves me. He has the gift of humor and optimism, both of which my OCD personality desperately needs to maintain proper perspective on my life. He is patient where I am not and slow to anger while I rush in head first. He is strong when I am crying and gentle when I am tempted to rage. We are so absolutely different in so many wonderful ways, and when I walked down the aisle to marry him I had no idea how utterly frustrating and gratifiying those differences would be. We have walked through so much together, especially in this last year as our son slipped through our hands into eternity and there is no one else I would have wanted at my side during those moments. Happy anniversary baby!

Three years ago today, my husband and I were blessed to share our anniversary with our first son. I am amazed at how big he has grown and how quickly the years have gone. He is a precious little man who brings his Mommy so many smiles. It has been an honor to be entrusted with his care, and I look forward to watching him grow into a young man like his father.

As I sit here today, with my bulging belly keeping the laptop at a respectable distance, I am truly overwhelmed by all that has happened in my life in the past decade and all that is coming in the future. My delivery date is drawing ever closer, June 27th, and I am so excited to greet this new member of our family and show him his special place in our lives. Shortly after his arrival, my oldest child, my daughter, will turn 5. That seems so grown up to me. Together she and I will begin an adventure this fall called kindergarten. We are prayerful that our timid beginnings at homeschooling will be a blessing on our family.

So, I come full circle back to our anniversary. Thinking how our lives were changing so dramatically as our priest placed the crowns on our heads...and we didn't have a clue!

Pascha

2011-04-24T11:41:00.000-07:00

Christ Is Risen!! He Is Risen Indeed!!

Sweet little girl whose first order of the day this Sunday morning was to make sure the altar cloth was changed from the purple of Lent to the white of celebration!

Holy Friday

2011-04-24T11:22:00.001-07:00

Decorating the bier in preparation for the burial of Christ.

Prostrating before the crucified Christ.

Kissing the Gospel resting in the tomb of the buried Christ.

Bridegroom Matins

2011-04-19T19:55:00.001-07:00

Holy Week in Pictures

2011-04-17T13:39:00.001-07:00

Hosanna! Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!

Collateral Damage

2011-04-09T15:58:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow begins my 30th week of pregnancy with my littlest man. It's amazing to me to be at this point already, and yet I feel strange sensations of fear. This pregnancy came very closely on the heels of Elias' death, and I did not fully(how could I possibly) anticipate how hard this whole process would be because of his death. Our family has each approached it differently, and I must say it continues to be a learning process. My own response has varied greatly. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with joy as this little boy forcefully makes his presence known. At other times, my grief returns anew and I don't know how to explain to myself that it is a pain I still feel so raw. I find myself assuming that the time for crying is over, that I should be beyond that point, and I know so few other people even realize that I still hurt. The closer I get to the birth of my son, the more I am aware of the missing piece in our family. I anticipate this baby's birth with joy and fear, because the array of emotions which I am sure I will walk through is intimidating to consider. I look forward to having him placed in my arms for the first time knowing that with my joy will come a sadness I may not be prepared to deal with properly.

My oldest child, she has a tender heart. She understands that Elias is gone, that this baby is not him nor a replacement for him. There are moments when she will shock me by simply saying she misses him. As she explained to me the other night, through gut wrenching sobs that sounded like my own hysterical pain that I fight to keep in check, that it is just too hard to miss him. Her comprehension of this event in our lives came to a whole new level this week at my OB appointment. On the wall was the monthly growth chart of a baby in the womb. We talked about where this little man was, and what month it would be when he is born. Her next question was, what month was Elias. She was so heartbroken to realize that he didn't make it past the 2nd month, that mommy never got to feel him kick. She is so excited about this baby coming, loves to feel him kick and never loses the look of wonder on her face at seeing my belly jump with his movements. Her little heart will never forget the little brother she will one day meet.

My son is just under 3 years old at this time, and he sometimes confuses the baby in my belly for Elias. I remind him each time that Elias is in heaven and that this is a different baby who we will all soon meet. He does know why the icon of the Prophet Elias hangs on the same wall as his and his sister' s 3 month portraits, so on some level I think he gets it.

My dear sweet husband. Miscarriage is so hard for a man, and I would not have realized that were I not in the middle of it. He watched me cry and wanted to fix it and there simply wasn't anything he could do to make that better for me. I know that must have been, and still is, very hard for him. I know he worries for this baby, fears that something will go wrong because something went wrong last time. The children want to talk about Elias, and I see him wanting to protect me even from their questions at times. His difficulty comes in talking to me about Elias, in keeping his joy in check over this new baby for fear that the unthinkable will once more happen.

As each day draws us closer to the birth of this baby, we seem to be more and more reminded of Elias. I see babies around me of the same age he would be and my heart breaks all over again. I fear that for the rest of my life I will always feel that way when I see any child at the milestones Elias should be at. I seek for ways to make him real in our lives, with so very little to work with. We struggle as a family between wanting to remember him, and making others around us uncomfortable. My sweet daughter often explains to strangers that the baby in Mommy's tummy is the fourth child, not the third and that the third one died in Mommy's tummy and is in heaven. Precious and wonderful to me as her mother to see her determination to set the record straight, awkward and uncomfortable for the person she is talking to.

I guess I am realizing that there is so much more to this process that I had thought. I will never be that person I was before Elias left us, my entire perspective on life, on how I interact with people, on what was important shifted dramatically at that time. There are reminders from that period of my life that I am unable to deal with, some things I can't seem to bear to let go of. As we approach Holy Week, I long to find in that final celebration affirmation that death is not final. That the Theotokos knows better than anyone else the pain of losing a child, that her sorrow was turned to joy through His resurrection. My heart wants so much to shout with joy, and not pain, those triumphant words and to believe that because of His triumph this weak mother's heart will rejoice and one day hold my son close.

Dear big brother

2011-02-24T12:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Elias,
On this your intended, but unfulfilled, day of birth, I wanted to share with you and anyone else interested that you are soon to have a little brother. We miss you terribly, and each time this little man moves under the surface of my swelling belly, I am reminded of your absence in my life. I feel compelled to reaffirm to you, myself and the world, that though your brother is rapidly preparing for his arrival, I have not forgotten that today I should be holding you close to me and feeling your little heart beat on my chest. Happy birthday my precious angel, I love you.

Moving.....

2011-02-02T12:15:00.001-08:00

Over the last few weeks my family has been mired in the event of moving from one home to the next. As I slowly began packing all of our earthly possessions, it occurred to me that we had a lot of Things. Just stuff that takes up space, gets dusty, makes me anxious trying to find places for it and generally just becomes something of a nuisance. I was determined to sift through the junk and not allow it to take up residence in my new home. Consequently, we have quite a nice little pile ready for that first warm weekend to have a garage sale! Here's what gets me though, for all my careful packing and thoughtful decision making about what goes and what stays, as I have begun unpacking I am still finding things I cannot justify finding a place for!
During this time, a priest at our church has died, my cousin has been in the ICU gravely ill, though praise God he is home now, and on a more personal note I am rapidly approaching what should have been my sweet Elias' due date. Trying to reorder my home amidst the onslaught of life has, hopefully, humbled me just a bit. I see the fantasy we create around ourselves manifested in my many possessions. The fantasy that we have some control over our lives, that we know what to expect day to day, that we really and truly believe we will be here to use all of these Things tomorrow. The sobering reality that one day, I won't be. One day all my hard work to clean and organize my home will be totally meaningless because I won't be here to keep on doing it. Someday, someone else will live in this home I have just moved in to. Someone else will arrange their things in my closet and plan for each day. My hope is that in my weakness, I will see the beauty in the ordinary functions of daily life. Hope that the routine and mundane actions of each day serve to discipline my soul. Hope that in recognizing the quickly passing nature of all things earthly that I will be drawn ever closer to my Creator. Hope to make all of these Things purposeful and use them for their purpose....preparing me to move on one day.

Unexpected moment

2011-01-08T16:31:00.000-08:00

My daughter is four. And inside that tiny little four year old body is packed all the drama, attitude and sass you can possibly imagine. Sometimes, this is really cute and endearing. At other times, like tonight, it manifests itself in ugly ways that test my limits of parenting. Did I mention she is stubborn too? Tonight, after some attitude that I won't go into detail, she found herself isolated in her room on a chair with no entertainment until she was prepared to make things right with Mommy. Several times she attempted to do this in "her" way, none of which would rank very high on the remorseful scale.

Half an hour of this, and I was frustrated, saddened and out of ideas on how to properly deal with the situation. Over the last few days, she has questioned me a lot about sin, what it is, why Jesus died, and the concept of forgiveness. After 30 minutes of digging her precious little heels in, she came out of her room. I smiled at her, and noticed her eyes were red. I hadn't heard her crying - and past experience has taught me that she normally wants me to be acutely aware of when she is crying - but it was obvious that she had been. She informed me that she had already prayed. I said okay, we talked and got things straightened out and I sat her down at the table for her dinner. It was then that I noticed gripped in her tiny hand an icon of the Theotokos. I asked her if she had gotten that when she prayed. My precious baby starting sobbing, but what I heard through the sobs made this mother's heart rejoice. She said she got it after she prayed, that she saw it across the room. Saw the Theotokos(her word), and told her, "I just love you so much." Through her tears she explained to me that she knew she had hurt Mary and Jesus by sinning. Her little heart was so broken over having upset Mary and Jesus by her sin, that she couldn't stop crying.

How beautiful it is to see the sorrow over one's sin, to realize that by sinning, you have hurt the Christ you love and His most precious Mother. How sad that I as her mother am not moved to tears, at least not often, by my own daily follies. Here I thought I was teaching her a lesson about respect, and she showed me that it truly does take the innocence of a child to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I felt a rush of renewed energy to know that though I fail as a parent constantly, the Church has woven itself into her heart.

She then informed me that she was never going to sin again. Ahhh, best laid plans my dear.

Another turn of the clock

2011-01-04T14:21:00.000-08:00

As I have said before, I don't put a lot of stock in New Year's Resolutions. Most of us don't keep them, we are just a little more self-righteous for the first three months of the year and then we return to the comfort zone of our personal habits. I didn't have much to say at the turn of the year, and right now I am probably far too highly emotional to be writing, but it is what it is.

I prefer to start a New Year in reflection on the past year, what was beautiful and worthy of praise and to stand amazed at all that happened. It makes me quite somber to stand at the beginning of another year, reflecting on the past, not knowing what the next 365 days will bring. To be perfectly honest, it always scares me a bit. I do not possess the strongest of hearts, my faith is ever lacking and weak and I step into newness with fear. Perhaps more so this year than any before in my life. I am cursed with a pessimism that wonders....what will I lose this year, what hurts will nestle in my heart, what insecurity will I nurture and tend to carefully this year, whom will I encounter with callousness.

This last year, last six months really, has been more lined with sorrow than I could have ever believed was possible. Amidst all of that, brief glimpses of joys to come have struggled to shine through, but always, always, always they are colored by what was not to come. I think I look back at this time and almost feel as though whatever meager portion of my childhood innocence I may have still possessed, was left behind last year.

I do not make New Year's Resolutions, a year is so much to handle at one time, so much to grasp in my shallow mind. My prayer is simply for strength and faith, to trust each morning that God has not forgotten me, that He is faithful, that He is merciful. I look forward to the beautiful things that are to come in this New Year, and I hope the love and joy tip the scales instead of sorrow.

Memory Eternal

2010-12-08T13:32:00.000-08:00

This is a very old picture! This is me when I was probably sixteen( I know this because other pictures taken from this night show my awesome first car which just happened to be a white station wagon). Standing next to me is my childhood friend Andy.

Fourteen years ago today, Andy left us. I remember my parents coming to me after church that Sunday and telling me we had to go. I heard the urgency in their voices, but being a teenager I didn't really grasp the gravity of the situation until we arrived at the hospital. We sat and we waited, while doctors did what they do. I will never forget sitting on a waiting room table as my dad tried to explain to me that Andy hadn't made it through the wreck. He was gone, and I had never lost a friend before.

I am not a member of his family, and I do not know the expanse of their grief. My heart aches for them, aches for me because I have some very fond memories of Andy and I. With that said, I feel like sharing some of those memories!!

**Sledding down our driveways in the snow! Then making our way around the neighborhood gathering all our friends until we found a mom who had a yummy pot of chili to share with all of us.

**Terminator movies and pretending we were all the characters as we played in the woods.

**Getting mad at Andy when he made fun of me for crying while watching Dumbo!

**First kiss

**Pretending we, along with my brother, were a bicycle gang riding through our neighborhood. We thought we were pretty tough.

**Bamboo fort

**Turning down his marriage proposal at about the age of 14ish, even though he told me it was important to plan ahead - because that was what his mom had told him!

**Swimming birthday parties

**Going to Opryland Theme Park each summer, even though my mom had to force him to ride a lot of the rides because he was too scared. Sometimes she lost that battle.

**Loving the television show V

Memory Eternal Andy, you are missed and remembered.

My hopeful heart

2010-11-19T16:41:00.000-08:00

For some months, our family has waded through a grieving process that none of us knew quite how to tread through. Today, we are still surrounded by that sorrow. Last Sunday as our priest said memorial prayers for our departed son Elias, I stood there thinking that never in my crazy wandering thinking had I ever thought I would say those prayers for my own child. I was unable to vocalize the words to Memory Eternal, again thinking this is a song I feel I have song a hundred times and never thought I would be referring to my own child. As these months have progressed, I have realized that nothing will ever make that loss any easier to wrap my arms around or less painful to think about. I say all that to make absolutely clear to anyone reading this that Elias is not replaceable. If I give birth to a dozen more children, not a one of them would ever be a replacement for him. Each child from the moment they are conceived is a unique creation, blessed with an eternal soul. I will spend the rest of my life here on this earth wondering what it will be like to finally see Elias' face and nothing will take his place in my heart.

Today, my heart holds hope for a new life that is growing. Small and fragile, so tiny and helpless and I find myself longing to be recklessly happy but I know these next months will be fraught with fear and concern. Slowly growing, my little one is but the size of a bean. Today, my soul lept and my heart cried as I was blessed to hear that little heart rapidly beating. Blessed sound, one I did not hear with Elias. This heart beats strong and this little body is growing just as it should. I beg your prayers for my family and our new baby, prayers for peace and prayers for health. We long to welcome this little one into the world.

And while this blurry black and white image seems

confusing and nonsensical to the untrained eye,

I know that right there is my rapidly developing baby. Lord have mercy upon this little one and grant safety and health.

And while I do not know if this is a boy or a girl, the song still works for me. Life to me is easier understood through song.

That mid-afternoon feeling

2010-11-13T13:19:00.000-08:00

I am just going to say it. I don't much care for the mid-afternoon. It is at this time of day that I am the most tired, not yet having hit my second wind for the evening. My children are up from their naps/rest time and they are ready to go. My mind is frazzled from bouncing from task to task all morning and trying to squeeze in every possible chore I can while the kids were resting. Now that yawning expanse of 3 o'clock to oh I would say about 5 o'clock stares menacingly at me. I know I could SO easily prop the kiddos in front of the television for the next two hours and I could read or write or....just think slowly, but my conscience won't allow me to do that (there is a limited amount of television allowed in this house, much to my children's, and my husband's, dislike. Him being an avid "gamer" doesn't help the situation.) My darling husband, who at this time has left for work for the rest of the day(perfect timing huh?) has loads of wonderful suggestions of things the kids and I could do. All of which would be great, if I was perhaps just a teensy bit more motivated to do anything else today. Which I am not.

So the question I find myself asking of myself each day at this time is, now what?! Unfortunately for me, I am too tired to think through a possible answer. Oh, and it's time to get the kids up. Perhaps today will be a sit on the couch and read books together day.

Rainy days

2010-11-03T18:17:00.000-07:00

Today came with grand plans and shopping lists to complete...until I looked out my window. It was a fairly easy decision to make to put off all the to-do's with the steady fall of rain and chilly temperatures outside. That decision made, I then realized I was now faced with the task of entertaining two very young children in the confines of one very small house. Thus began my frantic quest for survival today.

As my gutters, which are currently so full of leaves as to render them useless, spilled waterfall like torrents down upon the ground, it became clear to me that I better think of something, and quick. So, today became a tent making, story reading, snuggling on the couch, eating comfort food kind of day. I think God sends those my way every once in awhile to nudge me into slightly lower level of anxiety than I am normally at. Today, my coffee table became a much loved tent.

And for some reason unknown to me, my daughter requested that a picture of her feet be taken. I am cold just looking at them sticking out like that.

Today, my fondness of hot tea was catered to as I attempted to chase the chill out of my bones. I never did succeed on that one.

And today, my passion for cooking found a simpler route to dinner which resulted in leftover pot roast stew. Yummy, and warm.

Today was simple and with that simplicity I did manage to find numerous ways to stress and loose my cool. Patience is not a virtue I have attained at this stage in life, but God is always giving me opportunities to practice. But in the moments today when I allowed myself to stop worrying about what I needed to do next, there I found some calm. I love rainy days for all the forced stillness and chaos they shower upon me.

A day to smile

2010-10-28T11:56:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since the simple things in life have truly, genuinely from the bottom of my heart made me smile. Today, for what it is worth I may have found my smile...part of it at least. These two little angels have challenged me in more ways than I believed was ever possible. I have had to learn some very difficult things about myself since they came along, primarily that I am much more self-absorbed than I ever would have wanted to admit!

They have loved their Momma through so much, sometimes knowing they were my thread to sanity and other times completely unware of how much I cling to their presence in my life for comfort. I feel like life needs to get back to the basics for my family. So much chaos has dominated the scene for so long. I am so thankful to see that Advent begins in about two weeks. I long for days of warm blankets, hot drinks, Jesse tree ornaments, unwrapping a story every night to read together and the simple lighting of the tree to warm my home by its glow. Advent may not seem like the ideal time to attempt to regain peace and calm in a home, but for us I feel great hope that it will. Joyful expectation of the celebration to come, to remind myself that this life and its sorrows are not all I am made for.

Don't really know how I got from a smile in the park to my anticipation of Advent, but there it is.

Nobody Knew You

2010-09-28T17:10:00.000-07:00

Nobody Knew You

Timid, without a hand

2010-09-27T17:15:00.000-07:00

These last weeks of weary have drawn me inward and silenced my voice. I suppose, no I know, we all encounter moments in our lives when the crushing weight of reality seems too monumental to bear alone. My brain knows I am ever surrounded by saints, angels, my Savior, my family, but sometimes my heart forgets that. There are isolating periods where I forget, and I succumb to the tears and relentless "what if" and "how come" and most devastatingly "why".

As I sit here at my desk, attempting to figure out how best to convey my drastically swinging emotions, I am aware that there are many who would balk at such a public means of coping. Many who may find this outpouring to be too much, too raw. To that I say, we all grieve differently, and I am raw. For me, I find after a period of silence I need to address these things in my heart. I cannot speak most of them for when I try I often am reduced to a mess of tears followed shortly by my apologies for losing my composure. At this distance, I am able to think through what I am really feeling and maybe, please Father, come to some place of peace about this. I do not write these words for sympathy, I think I write in hopes of aiding my own healing, which has been so very, very slow.

From the moment of my confirmed pregnancy, I knew things would not go as I wanted. I chalked my sense of foreboding up to my usual pessimistic nature; I am wont to assume the worst and often chided for my tragic assumptions. It angers me often that when I express fear of a possible negative outcome, I often am silenced and told not to be ridiculous. Just this once, I wish they had all been right. Wading through this changed me, I am not who I used to be, nor do I think I will ever return to that person. Now, not only do I assume the worst, I am convinced it will indeed happen. It did happen, and I am simply not strong enough for this.

In my moments of panic, coupled with breath grasping cries, I fear I will simply cease to function. That maybe if I hurt enough, someone, anyone, will fix all this. I have realized that I am waiting, waiting, waiting for someone to make this better. And then, I am faced head on with the reality that this cannot be fixed. No one can make it not have happened.

I was nine weeks when I lost my child. My son. His face I will not hold on this earth. I wonder at times, what color his eyes would have been, would he have looked like me or favored his father more, what would his little infant hands wrapped around my finger have felt like, the hours I will not spend rocking him as he nursed so sweetly, his frantic cries in the night just to have me near, diapers, oh, to have the task of changing his little diapers, the precious sound of his first laugh, the smell that no one can describe but anyone who has ever held a newborn knows. Birthdays never to be planned for him, fights with his siblings never to be refereed, watching him take his first step, cut his first tooth, move from a crib to a big boy bed.

My son. I have nothing of him to cling to, and so I desperately search for anything tangible to make me feel as though I still have him. At times, especially right after, my arms literally ached and grasped for him, clenching and unclenching my hands trying to grab hold of something. I do not know the exact day my little one's heart ceased to beat inside my womb. I do know the look on my doctor's face when he told me that it had and the day I will never forget. I have named my son. It helps so very much to call him by name, not "the baby". My life changed on Tuesday, July 20th in a way I never could have imagined. On that day, the church commemorated the Prophet Elijah, also known as Elias. Caught up in a fiery chariot and taken from earth to be with his Creator, I kind of like the vague similarity. My son is not a prophet, but he was taken quite dramatically from womb directly into the presence of his Creator. My little Elias Christopher.

My fear of death has so greatly diminished of late. I do not desire it to come any sooner, but I so want to see my baby. I want to touch his face and hear him sing the trisagion, which at this point he has probably sung more times than I have. I want him to tell me he knows how sorry I am, how much I wanted to protect him and how much I tried and just couldn't.

I do not promise to never write about this again. Nor do I know confidently that I will ever have the emotional stamina to express these things again. There is just so much. I miss my son. I miss not being one of the mother's who has experienced this loss. It is a lonely place to be, but one I am learning more and more of us are a part of. Sweet Elias, pray for Mommy. Your spiritual understanding and experience are so much richer than mine, and I know with the greatest of confidence that though you have not yet known my mother's touch, you have had the honor of the Theotokos holding you close. She of all understands the way a mother feels losing her child, and I believe so completely that she greeted you with arms open and for that I love her more fiercely than I ever have. Most Holy Theotokos save us.

Because words fail me, but She does not.

2010-08-07T16:03:00.000-07:00

A tempest of many misfortunes and temptations doth beset me, and no longer can I endure its ragings. But as Thou art the merciful mother of my Savior and God, lift up Thy hands to Thy Son, beseeching Him to regard the bitter sorrow of my heart and to raise me up from the abyss of despair, who cry to Him:

O most holy Virgin and Mother, hearing the prophecy of righteous Simeon: A sword shall pierce through Thine own soul, Thou didst keep all these sayings in Thy heart, understanding that the joy of a mother's heart over her children can be accompanied with much grief in this world. Wherefore, as one tried in everything and able to commiserate with a mother's sorrow, we cry to Thee:

Rejoice, Thou that didst bear the Savior Christ, the Joy of the world!
Rejoice, Thou that deliverest the world from sorrows!
Rejoice, Thou that didst endure the blasphemies and slanders hurled at Thy Son!
Rejoice, Thou that didst suffer together with Him through His suffering!
Rejoice, the consolation of the sorrows of mothers!
Rejoice, gracious preservation of their children!
Rejoice, speedy help amid misfortunes!
Rejoice, correction of the erring!
Rejoice, nourishment of infants!
Rejoice, guidance of the young!
Rejoice, mother of the orphaned!
Rejoice, help of widows!
Rejoice, O Virgin Theotokos, full of Grace, Joy of all who sorrow!

Akathist to the Theotokos, Joy of all who sorrow (Kontakion and Ikos 4)

A Day in the life of us

2010-06-09T17:25:00.001-07:00

Nine years ago, a much younger version of myself and my husband were married. We had no idea what the next almost decade would hold! Two children and a few gray hairs later, we find ourselves still completely unknowledgeable of the future...longing for a better understanding daily of marriage as a path to salvation and wisdom to raise our children faithfully.

Two years ago today, on our seventh anniversary, we welcomed our second child into the world. From that day on, our anniversary will never be that same!

Our oldest daughter's first looks at her new brother weren't too enthusiastic, but I am happy to say that two years later she has decided he makes a pretty good little brother and playmate.

Just a few hours old, from my perspective now it seems nearly impossible that he ever was so small. My heart aches and the throat catches when I remember my children as infants, how overwhelmed at the time I felt and how quickly they left that phase of their lives behind.

Happy birthday sweet little man. Our family is much the brighter since you arrived.

Nine years ago, I would never have imagined I would be where I am today. Nine years is not one of those "big" anniversaries you hear about, but it is mine and my husband's and we have much to be thankful for on this day.

What I have been up to...or....my two newest hobbies.

2010-06-03T12:51:00.000-07:00

I am not eloquent in my speech, I much prefer to write or sing as a means of expressing my thoughts or emotions. So when my new lens for my camera arrived today, and as I experimented with it(much to my great delight!), I found another form of expression in which I feel comfortable. Here I offer two humble beginnings, that of my newly flowering garden and my toddler like steps towards understanding my camera!

Our squash and zucchini plants

Tomato plant

My favorite...zucchini flowers!

Floods, Family, Regret and Lord Have Mercies

2010-05-01T20:10:00.000-07:00

Tonight as I sit in the comfort of my home, I am uneasy. The weather outside the walls of this sanctuary is truly frightening. In my entire life, I have never seen flooding like this. It has rained all day, one round of tornado warnings, and now in the late evening hours another round is firing up with rain predicted for the next 24 hours. The interstates have been flooded, portable building structures floating down the highway, our precious church has experience some flooding and dear friends are dealing with water in their homes. So I sit and wait. Watching the news to keep up with the weather and if/when to awaken my children to take them to a moderately safer place in the house, I am sitting here just waiting for something to happen. Despite that, my home for now is safe, my family is safe. There is a vulnerability that I feel from this kind of weather that I seldom experience. I can do nothing to control this situation. I can only wait, and trust. Lord have mercy upon me a sinner.

As these thoughts have possessed my mind for the last 12 hours, I have been oblivious to the suffering of someone I hold dear. I doubt the weather has even entered her mind as she has waded through the first few hours of life without someone she holds dear. My heart aches for her, knowing the things in her life she wanted to share with that person and won't be able to. I feel helpless here too, wanting to fix it for her, knowing I cannot. My meager offerings will do nothing to relieve her pain. Lord have mercy.

Hearing her hurt and knowing the pain she feels I am reminded of the day my Grandmother died. The harsh, striking pain I felt when I realized I had waited too long. Put off for too many years the time for parenthood, taking from my children the memory of that beautiful woman. And though my daughter now bears my Grandmother's name, and asks for intercession from the same patron saint, it does not take from me the regret I feel every time I call her by my Grandmother's name. Tonight I have feared for the safety of those I hold dear, wept for the loss of life and felt the pang of "if only" yet again. I know at this point I should say something eloquent about the faithfulness of God and that one day all this will pass. In fact, I had that conversation with my daughter this evening, who wanted to know why people die. That is not an easy talk to have with a three year old. I know there are prayers that to be said, encouragement from the saints to be read but honestly right now, most of them escape me. I am thankful that my family and friends are safe, though not all as well as they were yesterday. And I am eternally grateful that when my emotions and fear overwhelm me, I can simply say Lord have mercy.

Greetings Clean Week

2010-02-14T20:34:00.000-08:00

After years of avoiding the uncomfortable sensation of Forgiveness Vespers, my husband and I attended tonight with our two children. I simply cannot say how thankful I am for that experience. The church, in her wisdom, asks us to humble ourselves before each other and plead for forgiveness, for sins known and unknown and for simply being a sinful creature. There is nowhere to escape in that moment, you are forced to face head on the fact that you personally have sinned and need the forgivement of your fellow parishioners and of God. I am so looking forward to Lent this year, so desiring to run the race and not fall, but knowing without a doubt that I most definitely will.
Clean Week brings so many opportunities to order our lives in a fashion conducive to preparing our souls and hearts to receive the risen Christ. Tonight, my most vivid memory was at the very end of the service. We are forty days out from Pascha, a long and arduous journey that will try us moment by moment. But tonight, as we prepared to leave after having asked forgiveness personally, one on one, with each person present, we quietly sang the Paschal hymn...Christ is Risen from the dead, trampling down death by death and upon those in the tombs bestowing life. Quietly, anticipating what we know is to come and singing is as a foreshadowing of the Glory that we know is to come. I never realized we sang that at the end of Forgiveness Vespers, but tonight, the somber reality of the task we are undertaking was lightened a little by the knowledge we have of the glory we KNOW will come, regardless of how good a job we do during this Lenten season. Christ will be risen, and we will rejoice. My fellow believers, thank you for your forgiveness. This journey we enter together, and I pray that I will not be a hinderance to you in your journey through Lent. I am giddy and sobered, anticipating that which we will experience together over these next few weeks. After tonight, I believe, we are all on equal footing approaching the throne. I am so thrilled that in this difficult task my family now undertakes, we are in this with each and every other member of the Church. May Clean Week find each of you exactly where God desires you to be, preparing yourself and your family to greet the risen Christ.

Integrity and a broken heart

2010-01-30T12:34:00.000-08:00

My soul aches right now for so many reasons. In the midst of the chaos of life, I so wanted to be a part of the visitation of the Kursk Root icon of the Theotokos. We did not make it, our little town was hit with a snow and ice storm unlike anything I have seen in the last decade. So with ice covered streets, my husband had to head out to work. I missed it, and I literally ache knowing what my family did not get to be a part of. It is an icon of healing, I had such hopes for my daughter to be relieved of her asthma(which has landed her in the hospital twice in the last 9 months). I had such hopes for myself, selfishly, to find not necessarily physical healing but healing of my overwhelming anger.
My anger is my stumbling block, and I am even now at war with myself over things I cannot control but am struggling to let go and forgive. I value intregrity in a person's character almost above anything else, and when I am taken advantage of, lied to, manipulated or used my response is not what it should be. I want justice, I want to confront, I want to put people in their place. How quickly I forget, it is not my job and my desire to do so is my sin. My anger, my frustration. Lord have mercy, alone I am ill-equipped to face these my trials, insignificant as they are in the grand scheme of things. I know this is for my salvation, and I know I have failed miserably my whole life at remembering that. Most Holy Theotokos, I may have missed you today, but I know you forgive me. Help me to forgive.

New Year, New Possiblities

2010-01-02T10:54:00.000-08:00

I am not one to set New Year's Resolutions. In fact, I loathe them and loathe hearing people talk about what they have resolved to do/not do in the coming year. Perhaps this strong emotion stems from back when I didn't have a personal gym in my garag and I had to go to the local health club. There was no greater annoyance in my life (at that time!) than all the newly resolved members who flooded the gym for approximately 6 weeks. Whatever the source, I just have never really made New Year's resolutions.

However, this year I am setting for myself what I like to call "goals" that I would like to meet, maybe not by the end of this year but I would like to have more purposeful direction in my life that may lead me to the completion of my goals! As I say that, I am reminded that that is really what the Church says our lives are: a daily purposeful struggle towards salvation. Ultimately, there are so many endless possibilities when it comes to things I need to change in my life. And it becomes all too overwhelming for someone like me, who desperately wants a defined finish line for each task she undertakes. I don't do work in progress very well, I get frustrated and give up if it isn't something I can see the end result for. That, or I neglect everything else in my life to focus solely on one gargantuan goal....just so I can put a mental check beside it in my head and move on to the next task. Anyway, I am wandering around here in the recesses of my brain and I seem to have gone off track.

As this year begins to pick up steam, I can see it in my head like a train slowly pulling away from the station, I don't want to just wander along as usual. I want to meet each day of my life with purpose. I have used that word several times in just a few paragraphs, but I think that is what I have been trying to get at in my head...what purpose will I pursue this year? I have many which I am slowly mapping out steps to attack and I will not go in detail because that seems so incredibly self-absorbed. I will just say that I feel the need to readjust my thinking, my purpose! And what better time to begin again on the myriad things I have failed at than the start of a new year. With that, I say(belatedly) Christ is born, Glorify Him!!!

My thankful thoughts

2009-11-26T19:32:00.000-08:00

As a person who tends to dwell on the negative, I like that this time of year forces me to take stock of what I have in my life to be thankful for. Often, at these moments I realize perspective is the key! So much can seem so unfortunate given how you look at it. Tonight, I have been thinking through what I often see as the overwhelming negative looking for the goodness.

I am thankful for my husband who loves me in spite of my moodiness and flares of temper, who works so very hard trying to give us the best things, and who is a loving and kind father to our two children.

I am thankful for my two children without whom my life would lack so much joy and laughter.

I am thankful that though my dishwasher just broke and I cannot afford to replace it, I am able bodied and capable of washing them myself.

I am thankful that even though my eyes are rebelling against my contacts and my doctor cannot explain why, I am still able to wear my glasses and see the world around me that God has placed me in.

I am thankful that tonight my stomach is full and I have never had to be hungry, even though there are nights when I don't like my meal choices.

I am thankful that I am sensitive, because though it often leads me to make incorrect conclusions about what people are saying about me, it also often allows me to perceive someone else is hurting when others do not.

I am thankful for the roof over my head no matter how unglamorous that roof may seem to others.

I am thankful for the comfort of my familiar bed that I sleep on each night, even though I want desperately to go on vacation and haven't in four years and probably won't for many more years.
I am thankful knowing that for all my worries, in the scope of eternity they pale in comparision to my daily struggle towards salvation.

Panic, just sheer panic attack

2009-11-03T20:40:00.000-08:00

Innocently combing through various blogs, I stumble upon someone discussing all the alphabetical school work they had done with their 3 year old. Whammo, my brains says, "Hey, does your 3 year old know that stuff? NO?! Quick, keep up!!!" So I went on a frantic search to find what I need to do to get her where she needs to be. My brain goes two ways....1)Leave it be and let her be little 2)Freak out. Currently I have opted for the second choice. I look and I look, and I get so overwhelmed by all the awesome stuff that is out there and the genius of so many loving mothers. I plan WAY ahead, and kindergarten scares the crap outta me. I want some simple curriculum suggestions because I can follow instructions, I don't lead so well. Ahhhh, is it possible to give up before you even try?!

Is it Advent yet?!

2009-10-19T19:43:00.001-07:00

With my symptoms of political burnout in full force, and my husband wandering around the house singing brief lines of Christmas songs (until I tell him he is not allowed to start that until November 15th), I am turning my attentions towards preparing for the beginning of Advent. I must say, this year I am more excited than ever before. My children are both of an age where it will be amazing to experience this with them. Being a fairly new mother, I often feel as though I will never know quite how to properly raise my children in the Orthodox faith. I see my friends and family, read other blogs, and I wonder how in the world these mother's have the time to learn these amazing things. I know it is a matter of priorities. But that knowledge does nothing to remove my feelings of inadequacy. I am absolutely terrified of the prospect of raising my children in the faith, because I feel as though I know so little. So, I got to thinking, surely I am not the only well intentioned Orthodox mother who has no clue where to begin. Now, I must preface all that I am about to say by saying this : I don't come up with this stuff on my own. I am not inventive, creative or artistic. HOWEVER, I can follow instructions with the best of them! And, thank you loving Father, for realizing that I needed a sister who is as amazing as mine is. She is my go-to source for all things regarding educating my children and the Orthodox faith. Anyway, I hope over the next few weeks to really flesh out my plan for Advent in my own mind. Here though, is what I have so far, and as much as I am able the sources from which I got it all!

1. We will be opening a new book for each night of Advent(as long as the budget holds out, given that reality many of our books will be repeated this year but we will add to them over the coming years). These books vary but they all revolve around the theme of either St. Nicholas or Advent. For a wonderful list of books to begin your collection check out my sister's blog!!! Many of these books are out of print, but Amazon has lots of them available from used booksellers. I am going to wrap each book of up so the kids get to unwrap one each evening.

2. Our Advent Tree will be inaugurated this year, after spending last Advent preparing ornaments with several other ladies at my church. I am still missing a few ornaments, but I will be preparing these over the next few weeks here before Advent begins on November 15th. This website offers readings for each day of Advent plus the 12 days of Christmas, along with the corresponding ornaments to place on your Jesse Tree for all 52 days of the Orthodox Christmas season. I intend to wrap each of these ornaments up very simply(making sure they are clearly labeled) and have my children open the approriate ornament each evening to place it on the tree.

3. This year, my daughter and god-daughter will be preparing hot chocolate mix and/or spiced tea mix along with making Christmas cards. They will then hand deliver them to the local shut-ins in our church and the members of our church's clergy.

4. St. Nicholas day - aside from any participation in the activities taking place at our church, we will continue several traditions from last and add a new one. On the eve of the feast, my children will leave their shoes by the family altar. In the morning, they will be filled with chocolate coins (to signify the dowry's St. Nicholas provided to three sisters). We will focus our family reading time around the life of St. Nicholas as well. This year, we have decided that our yearly gift of a new ornament for each child will take place at this time. This way, they will be able to enjoy the new ornament throughout the Advent season.

5. On a completely unspiritual level, we as a family like to go on several "Tigger Hunts" during Advent. This involves bundling our kids up in their snuggliest pajamas, preparing some yummy hot chocolate and marshmallows and loading up in the car to drive around and look at Christmas lights while singing Christmas songs. The term "Tigger Hunt" developed after my daughter became enamored with the large blown up Tigger yard ornaments. Every outing was an opportunity to find another Tigger!

6. Finally, Christmas Eve, after we have attended Liturgy and returned home, we settle in as a family to celebrate the newly born Christ by breaking our Advent fast. We enjoy a few choice treats, and the kids get to open one present - their new Christmas Eve pajamas which they are then promptly snuggled into and tucked into bed.

So much more that we do, and that can be done. I am overjoyed, excited, and overwhelmed just writing about it. Here are a few websites that I have enjoyed gleaning information from over the last year.

www.sttheophanacademy.blogspot.com my sister's blog

www.theonethingneedful.blogspot.com my son's god-mother's blog

www.orthodoxpress.org (great source for books)

www.festalcelebrations.wordpress.com

www.evlogia.typepad.com/evlogia/ I am new to this one, but there is so much here for all aspects of Orthodox living

Precious little ones

2009-10-13T07:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think the reality of our fragility is all too easy to ignore. I know my tendency is to put off the important things - like time quietly spent reading with my children, or loudly dancing around the living room with them, or reading a book, talking earnestly with my husband - to engage in the things that can wait. Sadly, it often takes a tragedy to remind me of this. Today my heart is heavy as I think of a family who lost their young daughter last week. So quickly she was gone and her classmates, teachers, family and friends are now left looking at her empty desk and room and struggling to understand. I don't think we can understand, death is so final, at least in this lifetime. I think of those precious students who I have watched reach out to each other this weekend, and I remember the overwhelming horror I felt when a childhood playmate of mine died. Now, being a parent myself I can only imagine the pain of losing your child. This I can say with confidence, God is good and wraps us in His loving arms even when we may not realize it. Sweet, sweet little ones, sweet little Hallee, God has a special place for each of you. Memory eternal.

Too tired to make sense, too mad not to try

2009-08-29T21:17:00.000-07:00

So, first things first....new strategy for facing the door-to-door mormon's coming to save your soul. I must give credit where credit is due to my friend Adam R., who suggests you enthusiastically throw open your door and greet them by saying, "Hey, I LOVE Glenn Beck!!!". Don't really know where you go from there, but it seems to be a bang up way to get things started. On a more serious note, this whole politics thing is weighing me down. I am sick of it, and yet being the subtle slow to speak individual that I am, I can't turn away from it. The newest issue that has my panties in a wad is what's up with congress discussing whether or not they will grant power to the president (Obama) to flip the switch on the internet in case of a cyber emergency. Breath, breath, breath....ok, so let me get this straight. With the reintroduction of the fairness doctrine they will seek to silence the opposition by forcing left wing talk shows down our throats. Have you listened to these guys? BORING. Oh, and stupid. Once conservative talk shows no longer exist on the radio and have all moved to the internet, watch out because I see a cyber emergency coming down the tracks at full force and then POOOOOFFFF...no more free speech on the internet, or communication via the internet.....or what a minute, no more blogging about how unbelievably FASCIST this is all becoming.

I never dreamed that I would really live in a time when I would see these things happening before my very eyes, and see people excited about it! I am sick of the niceties and pretending that we can all get along. We can't. We disagree on too many fundamental, spiritual, emotional levels to pretend anymore. Nationalize this, nationalize that and you don't correct the market you hand it over to the consolidated power of a government who is rapidly shutting down any and all forms of dissent. Which reminds me, I was not aware of this fact, but according a Georgia congressman interviewed by Geraldo Riviera, all those people who attended town hall meetings in opposition to nationalized healthcare are, and I quote, "skin heads with no jobs and a gun." Awesome.

Bart Gordon Update

2009-08-19T10:32:00.000-07:00

As Monday of this week, Bart Gordon has agreed to hold a town hall debate! MTSU Tucker Hall at 7:00 Monday August 24. Only about 800 tickets will be given out, starting at 6:00p.m.

Bart Gordon is a ginormous pansy

2009-08-16T20:27:00.000-07:00

This is short and simple. Lucky me gets to claim Bart Gordon as my "representative" - and I use that term loosely because there is very little accurate representation that is occuring here. Guess what? He is having some townhall meetings, but they will be conducted over the phone. Wow. So, because I want to be actively involved in the functioning of my republic and because my opinions don't jive with his, he gets to hide behind his phone. Super, really instills a lot of confidence in me for my representative.

Oh, and those lucky ones who are in Marsha Blackburn's district, she was on Geraldo on Fox News last night. Classy as ever, Mrs. Blackburn had just come off a day of holding her own townhalls (in person) and never lost her cool as Geraldo questioned her about dissenters at the town hall meetings. He then turned to discuss with a Georgia congressman and Bo Deedle who referred to the dissenters as "skin heads with no jobs and a gun." Again, wow. All I can say is, every single last one of them needs to go, except Marsha. And I just say we get rid of the rest and let her take on Obama.

To medicate or not?

2009-08-12T07:25:00.000-07:00

Not usually a source of commentary for me, the over medication of our society has come home to roost recently and I feel strangely compelled to say a few things. If for no other reason than to just clarify what I am thinking, not so much to even convince someone one way or another. Anyway, let the rambling begin.
Control has always been very important to me. That need has manifested itself in some very destructive ways in my life from anorexia and bulimia to my own self-diagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder.
I have never been on medication long term until recently. And I mean never because of two reasons. 1. It always seemed to do some really funky things to me regardless of what is supposed to be treating. 2. I do not like being dependent on something to function at a normal level and that goes back to my need to be in control of myself and my surroundings. After my second child was born, I found myself genuinely suffering from fairly severe post partum depression. Not just sad, but reclusive, feelings of guilt that I couldn't categorize, exhaustion(understandable with a newborn!), fear, anxiety, and just basically looking for a fight everywhere I went. Not good. After many weeks of this, my patient husband finally said what I know must have been very hard for him, and suggested I call my doctor. I was immediately put on the anti-depressant zoloft. I didn't ask a lot of questions, which I should have, because I was at the end of my rope and becoming unable to properly care for myself and my children. After a few weeks, things got so much better. I was still tired obviously and edgy, but deep breaths came much more easily and I felt far more equipped to deal with the responsibilities I knew I needed to meet. After a few months, I was ready to come of the medication and return to life as normal, thinking that I had just needed the medication to get me over the hump of the post partum depression. I was advised to stay on it due to my high-anxiety personality. A year later, I still feel stress and was encouraged to change to a stronger medication celexa. I researched this medication and kept finding information in regards to depression. This unnerved me, and it made me evaluate where my life was heading. I am not depressed by any means, I am not unhappy with my life. I am the mother of two small children, but that is not so incredibly unique. I didn't take the new medication for a week and stayed on my old one. At the end of the week, I called my doctor and explained that I really felt that was too drastic a measure for me, and that I didn't want to be on anything. I was given a plan for weening myself off of zoloft, which I followed precisely.
Here's the part that I am upset about. No one warned me about the withdrawal symptoms that I was sure to experience when I was first put on this medication. Now, having been completely off of it for about four days, I am astounded at my body's reaction. I am dizzy constantly, like I have been drinking (but not in a good way!), nauseous, sad, crying for no reason, experiencing what is referred to as "brain zaps" where movement sends an almost electrical zap through parts of my body, irritable and kinda mean. From what I can tell after some research, these are all very common side effects. When I started the medication, I didn't really think about how drastically it was altering my brain functions chemically, but now completely off of it I am basically going through detox. This could last anywhere from two weeks to a month and some have reported symptoms occurring months after their last pill. Anyway, this is not a complaint blog. I have every confidence in my doctor, who helped me through a very difficult time in my life. I do wonder why some in the medical profession are so quickly inclined to medicate. I think modern science is a miracle and I want to take advantage of it at every opportunity it is needed for me and my family; I have had two c-sections and wouldn't want to have had them at any other point in history than now!
I do think that in our society we too quickly label people with emotional/chemical problems and place them on medication. Neat little packages that offer an explanation(or excuse) for their behavior. Over the last few weeks I have been confronted with the fact that I need to be dealing with my stress/anxiety in a very different way. Why do we not offer spiritual aid and help to those who are suffering? Why do we never want to think that in their weakened state their hearts and souls are a feasting ground for demons to play? I know I have felt my soul starving and desperate for nurturing but I am brilliant at finding reasons why I do not have time to face those needs - it's too humbling to admit that your soul is not where it should be.I know this is true, and yet it has taken me a year to come to realize that I will never be able to deal with this part of my life if I leave God out of it. Please do not think I am criticizing those who choose to stay on their medication; I don't know enough about the topic to say whether they need it or not and that is for them and their doctor and family to decide. I can only speak from my experience and that has been one where I needed that help through a very brief time. But, during that time I didn't take any other steps to learn how to cope with the natural stress that comes from being a stay at home mother. And I am now dealing with withdrawal while trying to remind myself that I do not need a pill to be a good mother. Having spent a while working on this post and waffling back and forth about whether or not to publish it, a thought is starting to form in my brain. After decades of seeking ways to control my life, most of them incredibly self-destructive with long term negative effects, I think it is time to lay it before the altar of God and admit I really can't control anything. That is so hard for me, and yet encouraging in a small way. I guess the purpose of me writing all this, other than to sort through what I am thinking, would be to beg us all to actively pray for those souls who struggle and remember that though their medication may make them seem normal, their souls are under their somewhere trying to find God. I found this quote by Amma Theodora which I offer up as encouragement to myself and anyone else who has found themselves or a loved one in this situation.
"It is good to live in peace, for the wise person practices perpetual prayer. It is truly a great thing for an ascetic to live in peace, especially for the younger ones. However, you should realize that as soon as you intend to live in peace, at once evil comes and weighs down your soul through accidie, faintheartedness, and evil thoughts. It also attacks your body through sickness, debility, weakening of the knees, and all the members. It dissipates the strength of soul and body, so that one believes one is ill and no longer able to pray. But if we are vigilant, all these temptations fall away."
Lord have mercy...

The work of the people

2009-07-05T20:33:00.000-07:00

As a mother of two small children, there are many Sunday mornings when I find myself going through the chaos that is getting myself and my children ready for Liturgy only to spend the majority of the service outside the sanctuary in order to care for one or both of my children. I know I am not alone in saying that often us moms feel like asking what is the point? Why do I make the effort to come HERE to sit apart from the Liturgy? Why not stay home in my comfy pajamas with a big cup of coffee in hand and do the same thing? Today, I got a taste of why it is important to struggle against my nature, to push through my laziness and my self pity and put myself and my family in the church.
Last night as I was putting my son to bed he vomited everywhere, and I don't mean just sort of, I mean EVERYWHERE. So, we cleaned him up, changed his sheets and took his temperature. A slight fever cinched it for me that we shouldn't take him to church and expose other children to whatever, if anything, he had. We got up this morning a little later than usual and dove into a normal morning...feed the baby, change diapers, fix coffee, and get breakfast started. Right away, my husband and I were on edge. There was no apparent reason for our edginess, and throughout most of the day, though no one in our four person family had done anything, we were walking on pins and needles. It took me until tonight to realize that something was drastically missing in our lives today, and I think for the first time I came to understand, really understand not just "know" how important it is to make that effort to get myself and my family to church. Though most of my time in Liturgy is spent in the role of mother, I have failed to realize that is my liturgy - my work - and I am called to fulfill that work with all my being. By fulfilling that role that God has placed me in, I am responding to His requirement for me as a mother. Additionally, and more importantly, I am providing my family the opportunity to ascend to heaven and partake in the Eucharist...and any effort, trial, discomfort, inconvenience is worth that moment. How quickly and easily I forget that in the midst of my frustration with a crying baby who is hungry or a fidgety toddler who just can't seem to stay still for more than five minutes. My temper flares and I want to throw my hands in the air and scream, "Why am I here God? Do you see what I am going through?"
Spending this Sunday at home, with my family, was not what a day at home with my family should have been. We were not at peace, not relaxed and certainly not content. I believe each of us was spiritually aware of what was missing. Our souls were starving and not receiving that nurturing they so desperately need. So, while my family is still not in sync tonight, I look forward with renewed expectation and commitment to next Liturgy, when I will probably spend most of the service running back and forth or in the back, but nothing will separate me and my family from joining the saints and angels in participating in the work of the people.

Getting crafty

2009-07-01T08:55:00.000-07:00

Never having been the artistic type, I have struggled throughout my life with creativity. I can write an essay, create lesson plans, cook and clean but tell me to come up with an idea on my own and I freeze in my tracks...literally! Lately though, with the guiding hand of my sister, I have started to tackle little projects that don't scare me too much. So today I proudly announce that I have approached the embossing tool and come away unburned and somewhat successful!!!! It's the little things that make me happy.

Some call it inflammatory, I call it tough truths.

2009-06-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

His name is Cosmo

2009-06-24T21:46:00.001-07:00

Years ago when I was newly married, we decided we didn't have enough going on in our lives and adopted a puppy. Wonderful, sweet dog that he is, things in our lives have dramatically changed. We don't have time for him and he is not getting the care he deserves. I do not want to take him to the pound, but I don't know what to do. If anyone knows fo someone who wants a dog, or has any ideas about what to do please let me know...I have run out of ideas and he is just sitting in the backyard being lonely.

Socialism is to...

2009-06-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

My dad forwarded this to me, and I have to say if I were still teaching I would love to employ this tactic!!!

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had once failed an entire class. That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism. All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
Could not be any simpler than that.

Happy Birthday...and Happy Anniversary!!

2009-06-09T21:04:00.001-07:00

So, quite a day in our house today. My little baby boy turned one today, and I honestly don't know how that happened. Talking with my husband, I don't remember my daughter's first year flying by this quickly, but I guess that is because I didn't have quite as much going on in my life. It just seems like I blinked one day and he went from this tiny little person who needed me for everything to this adorable little man who still needs me...but just not as much. Happy birthday my precious little boy, I love you dearly and I am daily fascinated to see what you will accomplish. I feel sad today, not because you are older, but because I wish I had focused more intently on every change that came over you during this year.

Today, in addition to being our son's birthday, is also our eight year anniversary. Our son was born on our seven year anniversary, and we knew it would never be the same after that! However, we welcomed his arrival on a day that was already special, and is now even more meaningful in our household. We have hit a lot of bumps in the road over the past eight years, and I like to think we have gone from a very immature couple who stayed up way too late to parents of two amazing children who cherish the peace and solace of our home. I honestly would never have imagined this would be where we are today way back then, but I am so glad that we are. Happy anniversary my dear husband, you are my best friend. You challenge me to grow and love me when I fail. You are immensely patient with me and there has never been anyone who accepted me so completely with all my flaws. Thank you, I love you. Bring on the future!!!

Overwhelmed

2009-06-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

I have a tendency to be obsessive compulsive, and I frequently cave in to anxiety. With only two children to look after, you would think I could get it together. Lately, I have felt very overwhelmed and extremely inadequate as a wife and mother. This is not an posting for the purpose of complaining and gaining sympathy, there are mother's out there who have far more on their plate than I will ever have. Rather, this is a request...HELP!! How do you do it? Balance the order of your home, meal preparation, quality time with your children, time to exercise, time with your husband, dedication to church services and all the plethora things that demand the time and attention of a stay at home mom. I have read several books and attempted to formulate a fluid schedule that serves my family, but I can't seem to get it to work. Today, I believe I have reached a semi-desperate point, and I know I am not meeting the needs of my family. I am open to any and all ideas that will facilitate a calm and peaceful homelife that nurtures my children's spiritual, emotional, intellectual and physical growth and allows me a measure of sanity.

He is such a GREAT speaker...err reader...

2009-04-27T20:02:00.000-07:00

Again, the video herewill speak more than my meager words. All I can think of is, I know Bush was not the greatest speaker, but geez at least the guy could work with a teleprompter.

And everything else fades into the background

2009-04-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

How quickly our lives can take a turn we are completely unprepared to meet. Last night was a flurry of activity, fear, waiting, worrying, and just wondering. My daughter lay in my arms breathing raggedly with pasty gray skin and her eyes rolling back into her head. You know, I think that is one of those difficult moments in a parent's life, trying to determine the severity of your child's condition. Will she be okay if she just gets a good night's sleep? Will I regret not doing something more drastic? In this case, the choice was made to go to the emergency room. After several hours, breathing treatments, chest xrays, and other discomforts for my darling, they admitted her. So, her we sit - my precious little angel hooked up to an IV, oxygen tube, and oxygen saturation monitor. I haven't been able to slow down and just deal with the emotions I am feeling, can't let her see me that upset, and she is so miserable. Don't know how long we will be here, she wants so much to go home and I want so desperately to take her there. Lord have mercy on my baby. I believe little children suffering is one of the clearest examples of our fallen world. This week is Bright Week, a time of celebration of the resurrection of Christ and His "trampling down death by death". Perhaps what better time to face something of this nature than during a time to remember that ultimately, though our bodies are frail and susceptible to illness, we will one day have bodies that do not get sick as we live eternally with Christ. Let us adore His holy third day resurrection.

Holy Week Continues...

2009-04-17T20:43:00.000-07:00

It is so easy to wallow in self pity as your child(ren) prevent you from embracing the services of Holy Week. I have found myself primarily in the narthex or pacing the back aisles with my son, and when he was content going back and forth with my daughter to the bathroom. Deep breath, and a realization that this is all part of it...I am so quick to think that my children hinder me from participating in the services of the church. Yet, when I see my daughter prostrating herself, and I mean fully spread out on the floor face down, I see that faith of little children which Jesus was so quick to point out to his disciples. Today was one of my favorite services of the Orthodox Church: decorating the bier in preparation for the burial of Christ. I love that we the faithful, though filled with sorrow and horror at the crucifixion which has just occurred, are able to joyfully and lovingly prepare the tomb for our Christ...almost as though we know a secret that others don't...that soon, so very soon, even though now we mourn, soon He will rise victoriously from the dead and we will shout, "Christ is Risen!" with jubiliance you must hear to understand. I am so thankful for our priest, who so simply explains to us that we are not "observing" the crucifixion, death, burial and resurrection of our Lord; rather, we are actually participating in it. This concept was difficult for me to grasp, but the basic idea is that God is not bound by time. He is outside of the limitations we attribute to time, a glorious thing that grants us the ability to pray for the souls of the departed - He is outside of time, and therefore able to act at any given moment in time. Consequently, the happenings of Holy Week are truly happening. We are present at the crucifixion, we weep as the nails are driven into His hands and feet, we lovingly lay Him in the tomb, keep vigil over His body and then triumphantly witness His resurrection.

I never understood any of this for years, and I am only just now beginning to grasp some of it. My daughter seems to have none of my confusion. Driving home this evening, after spending the day at church preparing the tomb and witnessing the burial of Christ, my daughter asked me many questions. I tried to explain that even though Jesus was in the tomb now, Sunday morning we would shout with joy at His resurrection. Later on this evening, after putting her to bed, I was getting my son ready for bed and I heard a shout coming from her room. She was loudly and victoriously proclaiming, "Christ is risen! Christ is risen indeed!"

Just plain fun...

2009-04-11T22:11:00.000-07:00

If ever there was a way to relieve stress(and let me tell you, after the storms yesterday, stress relief was needed) I believe I have found it! Try shooting a Barrett .50caliber sniper rifle...man! That is awesome!!! We went out with our friends, Annie and Ronnie, today and did some target shooting. Along with the Barrett, we also shot an M16, an MP5, a 12 gauge shot gun, a .38 ruger, and a .22 smith and wesson. Amazingly, after about ten shots of the Barrett, no one showed up to see what the heck was going on. For those of you who have never fired this amazing weapon, Ronnie fired it through a tree - all the way through- and it proceeded to create a trench in the mountain side behind said tree. The flipping bullets look like elephant tranquilizers.

Stumbling again

2009-03-24T22:11:00.001-07:00

So, it has been awhile and there are several reasons. First, I have truly been so overwhelmed and dissilusioned that I haven't been able to express in such a vulnerable fashion. Second, I have just felt at a total loss as to what direction my life should be taking. Here I sit, mother of two beautiful children and married almost eight years...and yet, as I struggle to ascertain the true purpose of the Lenten season, I still feel like a little kid trying to fake it just in case anyone is watching. My daughter asks me questions out of her simplistic understanding of life, and I am unsure how to answer them. After fumbling through this Lent, I am anticipating Holy Week greatly. I have only recently started to, minimally, understand the gravity of participating in these services and I long for the peaceful somber services that culminate in the joyous celebration of the Resurrection of Christ. I know so very little of what there is to know about the Orthodox faith, and I want so much to learn it all RIGHT now so I can teach my children. It has been far too easy to feel helpless and hopeless in these political times, and I am humbled by how easy it has been for me to be distracted throughout Lent from the purpose of this time.

Screaming inside, feeling like it's just a whisper

2009-02-10T18:35:00.001-08:00

It feels like we have no voice or control over what is happening to our country. Watching our congress vote for spending in the $800 billions, I know it feels like we who believe in personal responsibility and integrity are all alone right now. As socialism steam rolls over our country and words are twisted to mean what is convenient, it makes you feel incredibly helpless and left looking at your hands wondering, "Now what do I do?" I don't know the final answer to that, but I wanted to share this with anybody who is feeling the same way I am . Glenn Beck is a popular talk radio host who has a new show on Fox News - it used to be on CNN, funny that didn't last long...anyway I digress. Take a look at his 9 principles and see what you think. If nothing else, it makes me feel like my voice is not alone and not so muffled after all.

How I will spend my $38.46...

2009-01-29T20:16:00.000-08:00

So, I am no great mathematician, but according to all I have heard from Obama he intends to "give" me and my husband $1000 over a year's time. Cool, maybe Jason can get that Glock 19 he has been wanting. But wait, as Blago says "the fix is in"...there is ALWAYS a catch isn't there? Apparently, this tax cut will be doled out in small portions on my husband's bi-weekly paychecks. My math brings that to about $38.46 per paycheck. Sweet! Boy will I stimulate the economy with my $38.46. Especially since the reason they are giving it in small increments over the year instead of one lump sum is so we won't save it, but will instead spend it. My excitement really got me thinking about all the great things I could do every two weeks to help keep this economy going:
1. Fill my truck's tank up and drive around aimlessly - thereby contributing to global warming and the success of the big bad evil oil industry
2. Purchase ammunition for home defense in order to insure the safety of my family for years to come and my personal defense of the 2nd amendment
3. Stock up on jugs of chlorine for the sake of water purification so that when the entire economy does indeed collapse I can still provide a tasty glass of water for my children
4. Fill my garage with canned goods so that when the nuclear bombs from Iran go off, I will be able to at least eat cold canned asparagus
5. Enjoy a tasty delicious pizza every week - at least until the beginning of the end begins
6. Horde vodka because you know the Russians aren't really our friends and eventually they will figure out we don't mean business and then who will ferment potatoes for us?
7. Use the money to fund the production of a hand crank television so when the end does come I will at least be able to keep up with current events
8. Slowly build a cement wall around my home to keep the onslaught of looters out - or at least deter them long enough for me to reload
9. Buy a new pair of shoes - who doesn't want to look stylish while socialism takes over?
10. Practice target shooting at my local friendly gun range, that way when the looters do come...I won't miss.

Hope this gives everyone some ideas on how they can spend their tax cut! Just be hopeful, change is coming whether we want it or not.

Roe vs. Wade

2009-01-22T10:10:00.000-08:00

My sister sent me this video link. It says all that I cannot.

Life happens to me every day...

2009-01-21T19:18:00.000-08:00

So, I am feeling sorry for myself this week and just decided to write about it because then maybe I will see how petty it looks and get over it!! That and I have always been the kind of person who writes when something is going on in my life, good or bad I just write. Seriously though, it has been a rough couple of months and the last few days were filled with little annoyances - some legitimate and some just things we have to deal with - and I am tired.
Just a snapshot starting with the last three days:
Monday - Driving home from lunch with my mother with my two babies in the back of my truck. Cruising along preparing to turn right into my neighborhood, some moron pulls out of my street turning left WAY too fast for a 90 degree turn. Her car loses traction and spins around 180 degrees winding up about 8 inches away from the side of my truck where my little girl is sitting obliviously. I screamed and tried to pull away to the side, but hey there's a sidewalk and a man walking on it. So, not much I could do but hope and pray she doesn't hit me. Praise God almighty she didn't, but here's the clincher - she just took off. No stopping to see if we were okay, no oh my goodness I am so sorry, just threw her car in gear and took off going way too fast once again. Sure, she was embarrassed and I get that. But you know what, that was my little girl she almost hit and I really think if she had, she would have taken off anyway.
Tuesday - My television, which I know I watch way too much of, but I do enjoy watching the news before I go to sleep, finally gave up the ghost and will soon be occupying a special place in a landfill. I know it's a silly thing to be upset about, but it's the small things in life that help you cope and now my news obsession is being thwarted.
Wednesday - Finally today, rushed into a store and rushed back out to make it to the doctor on time. As I loaded things into the truck, what do you know something got hidden under my son's carseat and wasn't rung up. I had to return to the store to pay for the item (or lose a night of sleep feeling guilty over a $3 item). Not a big deal to pay for the item, but man getting in and out of a store with kids is an olympic event. Then, I spent the afternoon at a doctor's appointment. This took place smack during both of my children's naps and to their credit they did great. Headed home to put them to bed and grab a little time on the treadmill only to find that my front door wouldn't open. I couldn't get in through any other door because I have special locks on them that you can't disengage from the outside. So one locksmith and $90 later, I finally got inside.
Okay, done whining, but I do feel better! All I can say is man, every day is a new adventure on the way to salvation and honestly I have absolutely no idea what to expect out of tomorrow.

Inauguration Day

2009-01-20T12:45:00.000-08:00

There is a quote that comes to my mind today every time I see the enamored crowds shrieking "Obama, Obama, Obama", and I want to say that it comes from Ayn Rand's book Atlas Shrugged. I think I am quoting it correctly: "So this is how democracy dies: to the sound of thunderous applause."
I see the splendor of our nation inaugurating a new leader, and I get the historical ramifications of him being a black man. I am so very proud of my country for not dismissing Obama based on his race. I am disgusted with my country because I believe there are way too many people who voted for this man simply because of his race. The rest because they are socialists.
Today I do not feel jubilant nor do I feel fearful. I feel sad, because I watched a man who was president under some extremely difficult circumstances be quickly swept away for a rock star. I am sad because this new president has plans for our country that are so drastically socialistic, and I am devastated because this new president has such little regard for human life.
I am also sick to death of the twenty-somethings(or thirty-somethings who act like twenty-somethings) marching in lock step with whatever Obama says. The intellectual posturing and upturned noses makes my stomach churn. I am so fed up with people who are coasting along aimlessly in life without real jobs or responsibilities, deciding that life needs to be more fair. Again, Ayn Rand's all too prophetic tome comes to mind; she had a name for those people who lived off the rest of the country - looters.
One particular scene in the book involves two siblings. One a wealthy business man who has worked to be who and where he is. The other his brother, who prefers intellectual pursuits, and who wants his wealthy brother to donate to one of his many causes. Just one catch, it would be better if his wealthy brother would donate anonymously. He wouldn't want the name of some capitalistic business man associated with whatever foundation he was raising money for. Basically, the looters want your money, but oh my goodness you are so evil for having made that money.
If just one more person smugly looks down on my conservative political stances, my choices as a mother and wife, or my desire to protect my freedoms so help me there will be a smack down. I am not ashamed to be against killing a baby as it is being born(or any other time for that matter), I am not ashamed that I believe in definite right and wrong, I am not ashamed to say that I believe Jesus Christ is the only Savior.
I love this country and I pray that these next few years will be productive in bringing us as a people to our knees before God. I did not support Barack Obama, but he is now my president, and therefore deserving of the respect of the office he now holds - respect that President Bush was not often granted. I hope he will make wise choices. Once again, the Orthodox church provides an answer - every liturgy we pray for our nations leaders and will continue to do so.

Integrity and Humility

2008-12-23T13:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think I know a lot about people. Then I learn a whole slew of things, and I realize I am incredibly naive. Over the last few weeks I have learned much about human nature and it saddens me to realize that very few people have a genuine sense of personal integrity. I do not exempt myself from this category, but I do lay claim to making efforts in a positive direction.

Can someone please explain to me what is wrong with all of us that we are all so completely wrapped up in our own little problems that we fail to see how the people around us are desperately hurting? How can we so easily take what is someone's good intentions and determine there was some malice there? At what point does our selfishness and passive-aggressiveness give way to doing what is right by those around us? Why is it that so many of us are willing to chose what is easiest for us with little or no thought given to the ramifications to others? And seriously, at what point does our word have any meaning anymore?

It is all so exhausting to be constantly pulled into the games, instead of simply saying what we mean and sticking to that. So, I am just looking for a little integrity because things are too hard right now to be constantly fighting to ascertain what people are really all about.

That brings me to humility. Something I do not really have, and it appears God is ready for me to start to learn some and I can tell this is going to hurt. All I know to say is, I have never been more humbled, or jerked around at the same time, than I have been in the last few weeks. It seems to me that the older I get, the harder life becomes and I have run from that for so long and with grand desperation. This I cannot escape, this I must go through. And I believe the most humbling experience I have had in a long time was walking in the cold with my two children picking up job applications at the mall while my daughter asked, "Why does mommy need a job?" I know that shouldn't be so bad, but I feel like I am ever peddling backwards. Loud, out-spoken and ostentatious are often words associated with me, not humble. Funny how sometimes God quietly teaches us things, and other times when we just don't seem to be listening He smacks us upside the head with it. My head hurts.

I guess the idea is to take from all of this what I need to do to work with the circumstances I have been given. Orthodoxy is a beautiful thing and at times like these I remember that every day we are on our way to salvation. This too is for the saving of my soul. In the grand scheme of things, whether my car runs today or not or if I can't get those shoes I desperately think I need, doesn't truly matter. It's Christmas and there is so much more to be focusing on than my petty frustrations. My daughter doesn't care how much I spend on her, she is simply in love with the wonder (and Cinderella). I will still spend Christmas with the people I hold the dearest, my precious family. Now, if I could just afford to develop all those great pictures!!

Snow Day

2008-12-12T14:18:00.000-08:00

Nostalgia is a funny thing, and definitely something I am prone to. Waking this morning to the first snow of the year, I bundled my little one up and we headed out for a great snow adventure. Watching her, I remembered my own childhood playing in the snow with my brother and sister and our neighbors. We had a wooded area back behind our house, and we would spend all day wandering around pretending we were in Narnia(from C.S. Lewis's books). One of the highlights of those snow days was knowing that the snow was deep enough for Dad to make snowcream! Well, playing with my daughter in our front yard is a far cry from the woods I ran through as a child, but she didn't care because Mom could still make snowcream. So, nostalgia really hit me watching her expectant face as I explained what I was making. All she wanted was for me to make sure I put the finished product in a bowl!

Oh, the things she says!

2008-11-13T20:00:00.000-08:00

Tonight I made a late evening run to the grocery store with my two children. Standing at the checkout with one child dressed as Cinderella and the other in his pajamas, we were already conspicuous. My daughter took this time to point excitedly at the magazine rack and say, "That's Barack Obama!", to which I said, "yes, it is sweetie." A moment and a half passed, and she proudly announced to me (and I am sure to those around us as well) that, "Barack Obama is a Marxist!" Too, too funny, but man is it going to be a long four years...maybe eight...I am tired already.

Mom and Dad's Anniversary

2008-11-12T14:30:00.000-08:00

Recently, my parents celebrated their 40th anniversary and they had their marriage blessed. My parents were not Orthodox when they got married, and I believe that is something they both wish could have been different. My Mom, who is ever my bastion of spiritual purity, has such a deep love for the Orthodox Church and I know this marriage blessing meant a lot to her.
Though I did not become Orthodox until I was about 13, at 30 it is hard to remember anything else. For that I am thankful to my parents! I was blessed to marry in the Orthodox Church and both of my precious children were baptized and chrismated as infants in the Church.
As I look at this picture of my parents, I am reminded of several things. First, of their journey to the Faith. All the years they spent searching for the Faith, knowing they weren't quite there and never giving in even when all the people around them thought that they should. The struggles I know they must have gone through, and the spiritual battles I am convinced they had to fight in order to be where they are now, must have been discouraging at times. Because of their faithfulness and commitment to truth, my children and my sister's children get to grow up in the Church. I believe their reward is great in heaven for having paved the way for the future generations of their family. I also see in this picture a marriage that has weathered 40 years, truly a staggering achievement in these days of quickie divorce. They are an inspiration to me and my fledgling marriage of 7 years, as I am ever the pessimist and quick to look for the easy answer and assign blame anywhere but myself. Often is the time when I realize that a marriage of 40 years doesn't happen by chance, it takes purposefully living as a martyr literally. The marriage crowns that Orthodox couples wear in the marriage service are crowns of martydom to one another. We are called to die to ourselves for the sake of our spouse. A marriage does not last 40 years for a couple who has not learned to do this.
So, I love this picture because it represents so much to me about faithfulness, perseverance, commitment and family. May God grant them many, many more years!

Disillusionment turning to anger

2008-11-04T20:05:00.000-08:00

I love politics. I love the prospect of taking a proactive role in our nation's future and educating myself about the choices I am honored to make. Since highschool, I have been enamored with the political process and how we got where we are today. I was privileged to study under a former NSA agent during my college education and majored in history with a minor in political science. I entertained thoughts of a career in politics (which were quickly put aside when I met my husband and permanently shelved when I became a mother and began a most rewarding phase of my life) and I have spent countless hours of my life listening to debates, talk radio and news broadcasts. I have engaged with my friends in debates on wide ranging topics and spent portions of my free time reading historical and political books. Throughout all of this, I have always thrilled to the process and felt a sense of pride and hope as I participated in my country's future.
Tonight, I am experiencing something I have never felt before in regards to politics. Disillusionment. As I watch this night unfold, I suppose I have been somewhat naive. I guess I believed foolishly that as Americans we all wanted the opportunity to WORK hard for what we desired to achieve. I believed that we all had a common belief that no one is entitled to anything and that you are only hampered in this country by your own laziness. I have learned a lot in these last few weeks about people, and I honestly want to say a few things. Get over yourselves, quit expecting someone else to fix your problems, my wanting to enjoy the fruits of my labor does not make me selfish. Forcing me or others to prop up someone else will only make us resentful and eventually suck the will out of those who do produce. Then what will you do? Who will you tax if your producers just quit and decide to leave you to your own devices? Honestly, have you ever read a history book? Do you know why our nation was started in the first place? Call it what you want, "redistributing the wealth", "change", "helping out the middle class", "fairness", etc. it is still the same thing: socialism. According to my upbringing, that's a dirty word. Apparently, I was wrong because it seems that suddenly socialism is cool. Good luck with that. Let me know how all that works out, because as of today, it's not all that successful.

I could go on, but what's the point. The decision is made. May God have mercy on us, though I don't know why He should. We have run in the opposite direction of His calling for our lives. Beautiful, precious, amazingly created babies die every day in the name of a medical procedure that provides a woman with a choice and we go about our lives fretting over the rising cost of Starbucks and gasoline. Have you ever stopped and wondered, while you are waiting in line at the grocery, how many babies were aborted while I am reading trashy magazine headlines? How petty and pathetic have we become that we are able to blind ourselves into thinking it's not really happening.

So, here we go. I am disillusioned and becoming incredibly angry at people who are apparently so caught up in the hype of the moment that they have failed to analyze what is happening right in front of their faces. I am encouraged by only one thought: my job and responsibility doesn't changed based on who is elected to public office. My precious daughter and son are trusted to me by God to raise faithfully. It doesn't matter what is going on in the world around me, I am still accountable for how they are raised. Regardless of whether we are free or not, I will still be expected to stand before God and account for how I taught my children.