I need to reset. For some months now, I have been trying to gather my thoughts and return to normal. What is normal for me now? So many questions in my head, my heart, and I am afraid of some of the answers. I am frustrated with myself of late, for as a person who is organized to a fault, I seem to be unraveling into someone I no longer recognize. Just recently, I was finally able to define what is going on, why I am forgetting important things. Overlooking details that would never have slipped past me, lashing out at people around me whom I dearly love. Harboring resentment towards people for things beyond their control. Impatience and irrationality. Anger and disorganization. Maybe it is clear to people on the outside looking in, but it has taken me a while to realize how very broken I am, and I can't seem to put myself back together again. Perhaps, I have been trying to ignore this and keep soldiering on, you know, just keep on doing what you are supposed to be doing and eventually it will all go away and things will be fine. I am still trying to fix this myself. It has been like watching myself from a distance, seeing myself respond to different daily situations and knowing as it is happening that I am completely out of line. And yet, I can't seem to stop myself, I can't seem to get things back in order in my life.
For awhile, I have felt such guilt, as though God knew I wouldn't be able to handle another baby and therefore took my child. I have battled with the thoughts that I don't deserve another baby and so it was kept from me. A few Sundays ago, as I sat in the baby cry room holding my almost 2 year old son, I was listening to Father's homily. He spoke of sorrow and grief, and that these are not things God punishes us with, but things that are placed in our lives for our salvation. I am loosely paraphrasing him here, but it is what I heard that morning. Father's words spoke to me where I was, where I still am, seeking to understand this pain being given to me and wondering what I am supposed to do with it. Not that God took my child, but that this world is broken, and broken things happen, and the time here in this shattered world is meant to prepare us for eternity in the presence of that Great Light. He doesn't hurt us that way, He loves us, loves me, and He sorrows alongside of me even as He watches my two little ones skipping past Him. Even as I inwardly, and at times outwardly, rage at Him about how unfair it is. Useless questions, why me, why twice, will it happen again if I ever find myself able to try again, what did I do wrong. I am looking for answers, and perhaps there simply are not any. I still struggle with guilt, with feeling like this is a punishment. Those thoughts are there often.
There is not a day that goes by, so very few moments that pass that I am not reminded of what is absent. All the pregnant ladies whom I pass, trying not to mentally figure out where I should be in my pregnancy. Every precious little baby I encounter, oh the sorrow I struggle with, wanting to hold and see their unique beauty given them by God and at the same time mentally trying to control my emotions. I worry about making others uncomfortable with my sadness, because honestly sometimes I am simply unable to NOT cry. It is humbling to be in crowd of people and realize there is nothing I can do to stop the onslaught of tears. Rather, I try to find a quiet place away from other people's eyes. I want to be me again, someone who is happy. It feels like my whole world has been upended in the last three years, it has almost been three years since Elias died and nothing in my life has ever been the same since then. I want peace, I want the knot in my stomach to finally loosen and go away. I desire calm in my heart and my soul, replacement of the chaos that exists there now. I just want to stop being so angry, with myself, with God, with those around me. If this is not punishment from God, and I know deep in my soul it is not, then I just desperately want to know how to live with this, and live well. Live lovingly, joyfully, with kindness for those I encounter in my life. I want to remember my babies joyfully, and not allow the overpowering sadness to darken my soul.
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3 comments:
grief can be like that; depression and hormone stuff too; it can take us quite a while to get back to what was normal for us; it is hard. I am so sorry. Lord pull you through...
Rachael, you are in my prayers. Know that it is OK to feel like you are just keeping your head above water- these things take time and grief seems to be one of the most unpredictable emotions/circumstances in life. Try to be patient with yourself- feel what you feel when you feel it and don't feel the need to apologize for it. You will continue to be in my prayers.
Is there a grief support group you can join? I am a co-facilitator of a chapter of the Share Organization. Maybe having others to talk to could help. Lord have mercy on you.
Thank you both ladies. I have sought some grief counseling, but haven't looked into a group type setting. I process a lot of my grief through writing, so this blog can be sometimes raw. I am so truly grateful for the prayers.
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