And now, for something completely different.

Feeling a little heavy around the heart, and it is amazing how you can feel like that so long and just need to shake it off every once in awhile. So, heading into this week we have so much to look forward to! In trying to focus myself a little bit on the blessings in life at this time, instead of allowing my soul to founder, I felt it necessary to make note of these blessings in a written form, not just in my head.

The first, and truly most wonderful part about this week, is the impending arrival of my nephew. My sister, who you can visit here for all kinds of wonderful ideas and inspiration, is just a few days away from her due date with her 5th little one! My little ones and hers are all so excited to welcome this precious little guy. Here's hoping he isn't late, because we in our household really want to get our hands on him before we jet off on our vacation!

Yep, we went on vacation last year, and no we weren't planning on going anywhere this year. We were planning on having a baby in four weeks. Things didn't work out that way, and my tendency is to overcompensate and at times...run away. So that is what I am doing, we were originally scheduled to be gone closer to my due date, but a better hotel offer presented itself, allowing us a few extras days at a lower cost so we jumped on it. I didn't realize at the time how very close it was to my sister's due date, so we are all so very hopeful that her son makes his appearance before next Sunday!! I am ready for some happiness, for joy, to see smiles on my family's faces and know they are real. To hold a precious hand and walk with my children, and just play. And we intend to do some serious playing, because we are packing it all up and heading out to Disney World!!!! I love this place, it makes me happy and darn it, I just want some happy. I haven't felt like it was okay to really be happy for a long time, and I still don't feel like it is okay, but I want to spend a few carefree days without constant reminders of how dramatically my life has changed. I want to eat breakfast in a castle with my daughter all dressed up, and gosh darn I am going to!!!

I know I will have to come home, and then I will have to face the coming and going of my due date, with no little hands or feet to kiss and welcome, no sweet new baby smell to inhale and find lingering on my skin. My nights will not be disrupted by feedings, every shirt I wear will not be decorated with spit-up, but my hormones will rage and my heart will break again and again. And when that day comes, I will sit with my angel at her grave, and I will tell her how sorry I am, how much I wanted her, how much I still want her. I will find joy in her place among the saints and knowing how gracious my Good Shepherd is, knowing that even in this darkness, He has not left my side. And I will remember words my priest spoke at the feast of the Dormition, how our bodies will be raised and I will know with confidence that my sweet little princess is in the company of our Queen and our Savior. Much needed joy in the midst of sadness.

But for now, I will grant myself the permission to run away. To pretend none of it ever happened, and to briefly forget the harshness of our existence.

Handles on this...

 

 

Just when I thought I had handles on this

I could soften my guard behind false confidence

 

Just when I found humble pie insipid

Exempt from this blind side and firmly in its grips

 

 

 

Cause I'm seduced by reaction

And under the influence



I'm slipping again

I'm up to old tricks off my wagon

I have no defense

I'm wreaking havoc

Wreaking havoc and consequence

 

I get reduced by my own willfulness

As I reach for my usual God replacements

Cause I am rich with sanction

And lax in my steps

 

 

 

I'm slipping again

I'm up to old tricks off my wagon

I have no defense

I'm wreaking havoc

 

If forgiveness is understanding

Then I offer mea culpa for the millionth time

From this toppling house of cards of mine

 

I am beaten by my impulsiveness

By this uncanny foreshadowing of regret

Cause I'm repulsed by restriction

At least that's my excuse

 

 

 

Much love to my sweet nieces and children who lovingly gathered and placed these flowers once the gravestone was firmly in place. Your tender hearts heal mine.

 

 

 

 



Holy Prophet Elias

Today the church commemorates the Holy Prophet Elias. He is the patron saint of my third child, whose death I learned of on July 20, 2010. Memory eternal my Elias. I am thankful you walk in the company of the saints and angels, though my heart misses you dearly.

One foot in front of the other

I need to reset. For some months now, I have been trying to gather my thoughts and return to normal. What is normal for me now? So many questions in my head, my heart, and I am afraid of some of the answers. I am frustrated with myself of late, for as a person who is organized to a fault, I seem to be unraveling into someone I no longer recognize. Just recently, I was finally able to define what is going on, why I am forgetting important things. Overlooking details that would never have slipped past me, lashing out at people around me whom I dearly love. Harboring resentment towards people for things beyond their control. Impatience and irrationality. Anger and disorganization. Maybe it is clear to people on the outside looking in, but it has taken me a while to realize how very broken I am, and I can't seem to put myself back together again. Perhaps, I have been trying to ignore this and keep soldiering on, you know, just keep on doing what you are supposed to be doing and eventually it will all go away and things will be fine. I am still trying to fix this myself. It has been like watching myself from a distance, seeing myself respond to different daily situations and knowing as it is happening that I am completely out of line. And yet, I can't seem to stop myself, I can't seem to get things back in order in my life.

For awhile, I have felt such guilt, as though God knew I wouldn't be able to handle another baby and therefore took my child. I have battled with the thoughts that I don't deserve another baby and so it was kept from me. A few Sundays ago, as I sat in the baby cry room holding my almost 2 year old son, I was listening to Father's homily. He spoke of sorrow and grief, and that these are not things God punishes us with, but things that are placed in our lives for our salvation. I am loosely paraphrasing him here, but it is what I heard that morning. Father's words spoke to me where I was, where I still am, seeking to understand this pain being given to me and wondering what I am supposed to do with it. Not that God took my child, but that this world is broken, and broken things happen, and the time here in this shattered world is meant to prepare us for eternity in the presence of that Great Light. He doesn't hurt us that way, He loves us, loves me, and He sorrows alongside of me even as He watches my two little ones skipping past Him. Even as I inwardly, and at times outwardly, rage at Him about how unfair it is. Useless questions, why me, why twice, will it happen again if I ever find myself able to try again, what did I do wrong. I am looking for answers, and perhaps there simply are not any. I still struggle with guilt, with feeling like this is a punishment. Those thoughts are there often.


There is not a day that goes by, so very few moments that pass that I am not reminded of what is absent. All the pregnant ladies whom I pass, trying not to mentally figure out where I should be in my pregnancy. Every precious little baby I encounter, oh the sorrow I struggle with, wanting to hold and see their unique beauty given them by God and at the same time mentally trying to control my emotions. I worry about making others uncomfortable with my sadness, because honestly sometimes I am simply unable to NOT cry. It is humbling to be in crowd of people and realize there is nothing I can do to stop the onslaught of tears. Rather, I try to find a quiet place away from other people's eyes. I want to be me again, someone who is happy. It feels like my whole world has been upended in the last three years, it has almost been three years since Elias died and nothing in my life has ever been the same since then. I want peace, I want the knot in my stomach to finally loosen and go away. I desire calm in my heart and my soul, replacement of the chaos that exists there now. I just want to stop being so angry, with myself, with God, with those around me. If this is not punishment from God, and I know deep in my soul it is not, then I just desperately want to know how to live with this, and live well. Live lovingly, joyfully, with kindness for those I encounter in my life. I want to remember my babies joyfully, and not allow the overpowering sadness to darken my soul.

Out of the depths have I cried unto thee, O Lord

My heart is full of so many emotions right now, so much so that I am afraid to begin this soul soothing process of writing again. Writing has always been for me a method of healing, a place where what I really think and feel bubbles to the surface. Sometimes that happens with a ferocious speed, and other times it is a process akin to labor. Ahhh, there it is. My first unwitting reference to the birth of new life. There will be more I am sure. It is just where I am right now.

These last fews weeks of my life have been something I cannot understand. Have you ever been in a place where you knew exactly what you needed to do to make things a little better, but every fiber of your broken being raged against that? I have never been there before until now, it is a lonely and desolate place to exist. I believe in a merciful God who loves me beyond my comprehension, but I have been unable to face Him of late. So much anger towards Him, frustration that He did not intervene, rage that He is allowing me to walk through this kind of pain once again. And so I have run from Him, much like Jonah, refusing to acknowledge His goodness and wisdom. I have hidden from Him, stalked the halls of my home and cocooned myself here in the safety of isolation. Mostly, I have withered into myself and allowed myself to wrap this depression firmly around me. It is odd how that isolating depression can become something I am dependent upon, making it so physically burdensome to fight against that despondency.

As an adult, I have known how difficult the journey through Lent can be. It often feels as though not only are we struggling to control our passions, but we are confronted with the most painful or trying situations. My grandmother's illness comes to mind, visiting her in the hospital after Pascha, and her funeral during Bright Week. I began Lent at home this year, alone, and it has been a long one. Slow, painful, tedious, difficult to stay focused on the task at hand being so desperately distracted by sadness. Bright sadness, we say that about Lent, don't we? We sorrow in our loss of paradise and the death of our Lord, all the while knowing a little secret...that soon we will rejoice with the angels in our resurrected Savior. My head knows my little babies will be resurrected when He comes again, my head knows they are safe in Her embrace, my head knows this separation is temporary. My heart screams out that none of that helps right now.  I have been so angry with Him this Lent, more out of control of my heart and emotions than ever before in my entire life. I want to find that Brightness in the midst of this, I have struggled so to find it and it slips through my fingers with the drop of a tear. Now, as I sit here, mid-way through Holy Week, I am so physically exhausted already. I feel somehow as though my struggle through this week is so very important to my healing a little bit from this pain. I know my Savior doesn't want any of this for me, but it is so hard to understand why these kinds of things happen.  I know He is soon to be crucified, and I can imagine the horror His mother must have felt at watching that happen to Her Son. My words are scattered and confused here I know, but it is all jumbled in my head as well.

It is terrifying the things which will trigger my emotions, and I seem to be especially susceptible these days. One moment I am fine, the next huddled up in tears. In the midst of a conversation, and then hit with it all over again. I remember the first week or so after my Juliana died. All I wanted to do was sleep, but sleep was so elusive. I would wake each morning feeling fine, and then the reality of what was going on would wash over me. Kind of like having short term memory loss, and having to relearn everyday that you have lost your child. Horrible. Now this new truth is no longer one I am able to avoid through sleep. I am confronted by it throughout my everyday in different ways. The way my daughter hugs me, burying her face in my belly where just a few months ago she knows her sister was. Sweet ladies around me with their happiness. Plans for my life that are so dramatically different from what I had thought. Moving my youngest from crib to toddler bed, knowing that crib was supposed to be used for another, and won't.

So, today as I sit here at this point in Holy Week, I am also designing my daughter's grave stone. A task that never in all my thoughts or dreams did I imagine I would be doing. But I will. I am so tired. I am so tired of sadness, long for a smile that isn't forced or a laugh I really mean. Through out this week, my heart has been turning towards the words from Saint John Chrysostom's Paschal homily, anticipating hearing that hopeful proclamation, asking God for mercy and forgiveness.



Stuck in Reverse...

 

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

 

 

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but goes to waste

Could it be worse?

 

 

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

 

 

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what your worth

 

 

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

 

 

 

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I....

 

 

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I...

 

 

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

 

 

Memory Eternal my sweet Juliana