Feeling a little heavy around the heart, and it is amazing how you can feel like that so long and just need to shake it off every once in awhile. So, heading into this week we have so much to look forward to! In trying to focus myself a little bit on the blessings in life at this time, instead of allowing my soul to founder, I felt it necessary to make note of these blessings in a written form, not just in my head.
The first, and truly most wonderful part about this week, is the impending arrival of my nephew. My sister, who you can visit here for all kinds of wonderful ideas and inspiration, is just a few days away from her due date with her 5th little one! My little ones and hers are all so excited to welcome this precious little guy. Here's hoping he isn't late, because we in our household really want to get our hands on him before we jet off on our vacation!
Yep, we went on vacation last year, and no we weren't planning on going anywhere this year. We were planning on having a baby in four weeks. Things didn't work out that way, and my tendency is to overcompensate and at times...run away. So that is what I am doing, we were originally scheduled to be gone closer to my due date, but a better hotel offer presented itself, allowing us a few extras days at a lower cost so we jumped on it. I didn't realize at the time how very close it was to my sister's due date, so we are all so very hopeful that her son makes his appearance before next Sunday!! I am ready for some happiness, for joy, to see smiles on my family's faces and know they are real. To hold a precious hand and walk with my children, and just play. And we intend to do some serious playing, because we are packing it all up and heading out to Disney World!!!! I love this place, it makes me happy and darn it, I just want some happy. I haven't felt like it was okay to really be happy for a long time, and I still don't feel like it is okay, but I want to spend a few carefree days without constant reminders of how dramatically my life has changed. I want to eat breakfast in a castle with my daughter all dressed up, and gosh darn I am going to!!!
I know I will have to come home, and then I will have to face the coming and going of my due date, with no little hands or feet to kiss and welcome, no sweet new baby smell to inhale and find lingering on my skin. My nights will not be disrupted by feedings, every shirt I wear will not be decorated with spit-up, but my hormones will rage and my heart will break again and again. And when that day comes, I will sit with my angel at her grave, and I will tell her how sorry I am, how much I wanted her, how much I still want her. I will find joy in her place among the saints and knowing how gracious my Good Shepherd is, knowing that even in this darkness, He has not left my side. And I will remember words my priest spoke at the feast of the Dormition, how our bodies will be raised and I will know with confidence that my sweet little princess is in the company of our Queen and our Savior. Much needed joy in the midst of sadness.
But for now, I will grant myself the permission to run away. To pretend none of it ever happened, and to briefly forget the harshness of our existence.
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2 comments:
Have a WONDERFUL trip!!!! I hope you get to cuddle your nephew before you leave, I keep checking emails for one from the church announcing his arrival! Safe travels and Jeremiah is SO excited about atrium!!!
I think this sounds like a wonderful idea for you and your family!! I hope you all have a fantastic time. And I had no idea Anna is your sister :) I hope you get to see your little nephew soon. I'll be praying for you as you approach your due date.
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