Joy mixed with fear

Treacherous weeks ahead, dizzying moments of overflowing giddiness

 quickly tempered by the ever present "what if it happens

 AGAIN".

 I sit, I ponder, I pray, Lord how I pray these days. Wonder if it is enough, if anything I can do this time will be enough. Weigh in my mind all I did before, and how not to make the same mistakes again. Throw my hands up in the air realizing there is so very little I can do, except wait.

Wait. Wait. Two more weeks to wait. To wonder what will be, what will the Doctor's face tell me this time as he rounds the corner. Remembering his words the times before, words that tore my heart into pieces I have never been able to stitch back together.

I feel guilt. Shouldn't have embarked on this again, subjected my children to this possible loss again.

I feel a joy that is so wanting to grow, deep inside my being.

Images flash through my mind, memories of the worst moments in my life. Realizing they were gone, and my mortal arms would never wrap them tightly and lay them to bed. Simply laid them to rest in the ground.

I selfishly long for those around me to pray without ceasing for the life of this little one. This one that my son asked me today, "how do you know it's alive?" I don't. I pray again. Tell him to pray.

I have a wall in my home, with beautiful portraits of me cradling my  children at 3 months old. Interspersed are the icons of the saints chosen for those that I didn't get to cradle.

We rehung those pictures today. Made room for another one. Hoping for a portrait this time.
Today, I am thankful for the nausea that unsettles  my stomach.
Today, I am thankful for the obscene veins down my right leg that have already begun to swell.
Today, I am thankful for the dilemma of having eaten a meal and still feeling ravenous.
Today, I am thankful for the progesterone supplement that makes me a stumbling, drowsy idiot every night before I fall to sleep.
Today, I am thankful for the annoyance of more frequent than usual bathroom trips.
I am thankful for these, for to me they are affirmation that perhaps all is well. The discomfort brings a solace of sorts. A gratitude for things that normally you pray will be relieved. Fearful whenever they subside. My mind runs to places I am scared to go to.

Today, I am thankful for the prayers of my two year old son, words I can't discern, but I can pick out "baby", and "Father, Son and Holy Spirit". I am sure He knows what is being said, and truly He is the only one who needs to.
Today, I am thankful for children who already bounce with joy over this new life.
Today, I am so very thankful for this new baby.