Joy

Had to wrestle with this emotion for a week or so before I could really allow myself to begin to believe. So shocking, seeing as I had myself already convinced that this was going nowhere good. I was shaking in the exam room, shallow breathing during the ultrasound clutching my husband's hand as he intently scoured the screen trying to make it make sense. I have kept all my emotions about this baby tightly in check for the most part, not bubbling over with excitement, not mourning just yet. Rather, feeling mostly anxiety.

And then, there it was, that which has been missing too many times before.

Movement.

Fiercely beating heart. Stronger than I could have hoped for.

Perfect.

My baby, safe within, alive.

And then I cried.

This is joy.

This is thankfulness.

This is a God who watched me walk through pain, has hurt to see my hurt, and Who now rejoices with me.

This is emotion finally beginning to release, sometimes in tears and sometimes in laughter. They both mean the same thing.

Joy.