Oh me oh my, the time has flown by

A year. I have resisted the urge to write for a year, never finding the proper time to express or the exact words that I want to say. I still don't feel like I have much to say. I certainly do not have advice to offer or wisdom to pass down. I do however live a blessed life, and I all too often forget that fact. My children have grown so much. Our family has grown so much, and I still feel like a child playing house. I look at these faces whom I adore, and the responsibility of it all is shocking. Their salvation, their education, their health and their happiness, so much of that depends of the moment by moment decisions I make.

But, enough of that for now. A moment to focus on blessings. A year ago, I was terrified of letting myself love this little life that was just beginning. I spent my entire pregnancy with that child detached from what was going on within me. Joyful yes, but watching it all happen from afar. So much fear, held in check but overwhelmingly dominating my inner thoughts.

The night before delivery, I was a being filled with apprehension.
 Thinking of all that could go wrong, because this would be my
 fourth c-section, and surely the odds can't be in my favor that all
 would go smoothly once again. All the next morning feeling sick
 to my stomach with fear, far more nervous than any of the other
 times as they prepared me for surgery. And then, there it was,
a sound my soul had thirsted for for so very long. A cry.
 And then I cried. And then there he was. And he was more perfect than I could have hoped for, the answer to aching prayers and the stilling of fears. Looking almost identical to his brother, and yet still possessing his own features. That moment of meeting, first sight of my loved one, I am so grateful to have captured.

And all my fears, all my wondering about what might happen, all the terror I had held inside of me since that positive pregnancy test, it all came rushing out of me in a fashion I had not anticipated walking into this day.
I would have stayed there with him as long as they would have let me. For a moment there my life made sense. All the grief washed away, all the anxiety subsided and I simply was grateful to hear his breathing next to me. And then they had to take him away, only briefly but it seemed interminable. I cried, I rambled, I cried and all I wanted was to hold my baby. God bless the patient nurses and doctors who talked me through the rest of that surgery, knowing what I had lost in the past and rejoicing with me in this healthy life. I must have sounded the fool, repeating over and over again that I just wanted my baby. And then, leaving that operating room, such peace. Holding my boy. I have never in my entire life felt that kind of peace, thankfulness and contentment. He is beautiful. He amazes me, stills my heart and shows me what it means to slow down. His gentle nature and gentle heart have already become apparent to us. He is quick to smile, slow to cry and slept through the night within just a few weeks. He makes it so easy to be his mother. These first few months with him have flown by so much more quickly than I wanted them to. I jealously guard my time with him, because it will be over so very soon. His brothers and his sister are in love, each one of them showering him with gentleness and kisses. It is an awesome thing to watch my three year old, who tries me to the point of distraction, become a calm and still little one when he wants to be near his baby brother.

  

His face reminds me everyday to smile, to seek out the things which are lovely. His eyes look at me so intently and seriously, and I know I am in love. Over the past few years of my life, I have protected myself and distanced myself from so many people. Not because I wanted to be alone, but because I haven't known how to be me after all of that. It has just been easier to isolate myself, hoping I would figure out some way to understand myself. This little boy has made me realize all of that and so much more. So many things about myself I feel like I am learning through the eyes of my sweet children.  My children surround me and overwhelm me, but I look at each of their faces and remember I wouldn't have it any other way. Each of my children has pushed me beyond my comfort zone, and in my finest moments of clarity I realize that is a good thing. I am so thankful to hear their voices each day of my life, to have them here with me each day instead of them being herded out the door to a school. Thankful to be able to sit with them as they learn.

So, while this last year has gone by at a dizzying pace, I feel like perhaps, maybe, I am learning a few things about myself. Learning through this little boy so much about who I am, and who I really want to be. I see in him a chance to try again, for him and for my other three loves, to be a better mother. To not give up just because I am tired. To remember that whining about something rarely, if ever, fixes it but just allows me more opportunity to wallow in self pity. I have too many blessings to wallow. 

I thank God today for tiny feet and hands.