See, for the last few years, my whole existence and identity has been completely wrapped up in one thing, "I have lost two babies". That's it. I haven't known who to be outside of that, and I have struggled within myself more than I believed was possible. I have denied what was in front of me, turned my back on my responsibilities, blindly swung hoping to connect and missed almost every single time. Every thing was somehow related to that change in my life and consequently so many of my choices and decisions were very heavily marred by anger, grief and confusion. And yes, since my Juliana died, I have gone on to have another wonderful little boy who makes me smile, but nothing ever replaces that loss. You can't simply have another baby and all that sorrow evaporate.
Anyway, not to dwell on sadness. Something started to change in me last fall, I am not sure what it was, the only thing I know is that God is merciful and maybe I had just wandered long enough in my desert and He was waiting for me to be ready to be led out. I am hopeful again, and dare I say, joyful again. There was a moment last fall that I clearly remember, when I thought of my angel babies and blessing of all blessings...I smiled. Weird huh? I smiled, because for the first time I could think of them and see past the grief, maybe I grasped for just a moment the eternal perspective. That it isn't just pretty words when someone says I will see them some day, I actually believed it right then!! And that was huge for me, so astronomically huge. And God in His love, brought me to that point just in time to see that I am not the only woman who has felt that sorrow. I pray He helps me to remember that, because I am finally at a point where I want to make my Elias and Juliana's brief earthly lives do some good.
So it seems that all of my spinning of wheels kept me solidly in one place in almost every facet of my life. My role as a mother to the four children I do have on this earth, my role as wife to a man who has so much patience and has walked right beside me through all of this, my ability to be a friend, my relationship with my parents and siblings, my relationship with God. Pretty much I have managed to screw up each and every one of those. But I am so thankful today, so grateful to feel like the scales of grief have dropped and allowed me to maybe stop this before it goes any further. Please do not get me wrong, there is still grief, I spent much of last week in a dismal mood as I trudged past Elias's due date and the date I found out that Juliana was dead. But finally, merciful God, finally I can grieve...and rejoice.
My family made a decision at the beginning of this year, and I hate New Year's resolutions, so I won't call it that, I will call it a life decision!! We made a decision to focus on Joy. To try to let the confusion of our upside down world rest outside our doorstep and make these walls our fortress. To try to accept each other and those we encounter right where they are, with the patience and mercy that only God can impart.
So Joy plays a big role in my decisions right now, looking at my children's faces and trying to ask myself what is the best thing for them. Looking at my husband and trying to respond to him properly and lovingly. Trying to look people in the eye and hear them and not brush my friends aside simply because I am uncomfortable with who I am supposed to be after miscarriage.
